A Tale of Two Survivors: Junia &“Hannah”

Thanks to Lauren Rose for writing this account of two survivors. One story is incredibly sad– the other incredibly hopeful. The outcomes are directly tied to the way the responses they precious women got when they reached out to their churches for help. It boggles the mind to hear a story like Junia’s, but it is still far too common. My prayer is that God will use these stories to help awaken His people to minister more effectively to those suffering through the oppression of domestic abuse.

A Tale of Two Survivors, As told by Junia and “Hannah,” written by Lauren Rose

Both Junia and “Hannah” found themselves in authoritarian organizations (Sovereign Grace Ministries “SGM” and Institute in Basic Life Principles “IBLP”) that used their desire to honor God as a tool to groom them for domestic abuse. Both organizations have now been exposed for their horrific teachings that resulted in the cover-up of an extraordinary amount of abuse.

How did they overcome, what role did the church play in their journeys, and where are they now? 

“Hannah” and Junia both passionately loved Jesus. They were both missionaries as singles. Junia and Hannah met their husbands in the organizations mentioned above, and they both committed to controlled courtship as promoted by these organizations. They eventually found themselves trapped in abusive marriages and unsure how to label and define what they were experiencing. After all, the theology they had been taught had groomed them not to recognize their husbands’ treatment of them as abuse.

Junia recounts, “I dated my soon-to-be husband for five weeks and was engaged for five months. I felt pressure to get married because I was 29 and considered SUPER old. I saw red flags, but once you’re engaged in SGM you’re basically married and can’t back out. I remember wondering what I was getting myself into on my wedding day but feeling like I would end up single and alone if I didn’t take the “opportunity” in front of me. Because being single in SGM makes you less than human, especially past 30.”

Hannah shares, “I had only spent a few meetings (ranging from a day to a few days) with my soon-to-be husband before we were engaged. I felt outward pressure from the organization’s teachings to get married because I couldn’t be single and on my own. I had to guard my heart and always be under a man’s authority to be safe.

Once engaged, the extreme uneasiness continued, but I didn’t know how to back out. I didn’t know how to make my own major decisions or follow my intuition. I had been suppressing my intuition for years to deny what I saw in the leader of the organization (IBLP Bill Gothard) I had worked for. All I knew was I had to be under authority to be safe, so the safest thing in my mind when I felt confusion was to deny what I felt and get under the authority of a man.”

Elements of Abuse in Their Marriages

Marriage for Junia and Hannah was centered around their husbands – keeping them happy and meeting their every need. Scripture was used to justify their manipulation, blame-shifting, and sexual coercion. Their husbands were to be king of the castle, and they were there to serve since Scripture was clear that, “They were created to be his helpmeet.” (Genesis 2:18)

At first, they both tried hard to make their husbands happy, but for both women, nothing they did could satisfy their husbands’ desire for control.

Both were miserably depressed from the oppression in their marriages. Yet, both were committed to honoring God, so they fought for their marriages, because after all, “God hates divorce.” (Mal. 2:16)

They read many marriage books to fix their marriages and be “a more submissive wife.” Both tried marriage counseling, weekly one-on-one meetings with the pastor and his wife, and individual counseling for themselves, but nothing seemed to make the marriage work. Marriage counseling made things even worse.

Then, on the quest to save their marriages, they both found counselors who recognized domestic abuse and encouraged them to set firm boundaries. Sadly, this led to increased abuse and eventually the need for separation for them. 

Both Junia and Hannah reached out to their churches. Junia found only silence and blame. Hannah found Called to Peace Ministries. 

This is where Junia and “Hannah’s” stories diverge dramatically. 

Junia’s church blamed her and told her to try harder at being a better wife. 

Her husband finally agreed to try a different church but only because of a theological disagreement with leadership. For the first year at the new church, Junia and her husband did marriage counseling with the pastor and his wife. It seemed to make things better but only because Junia did everything the pastor told her to and constantly started asking her husband for forgiveness to smooth things over. She spent the next year meeting weekly with the pastor’s wife, who continually told her she just needed to submit more and try harder while constantly telling Junia that leaving, even temporarily, was unbiblical. At the same time, her husband was supposed to be meeting with the pastor. The few times they did meet together, he would always come back saying the pastor said he’d changed enough, and I was just being unforgiving and bitter.

Finally, she researched shelters, packed up her three kids (ages 3, 5, and 7) in the minivan with whatever they could fit, and drove 10 hours to family. She went back to the church where she had initially met her husband, hoping she’d find a place of refuge. She had weekly meetings with the pastor, who said the church would help them with housing, fellowship, finding a job, childcare, etc.

“I was repeatedly told that I was expecting too much of the church when I would plead for help or ask why the things the pastor had promised never happened. In our final meeting, the pastor told me that my desire to advocate for others and for my husband to experience legal consequences for his sexual assault of me made him seriously doubt my salvation. Even though I thought the purpose of that meeting was to figure out how to help me since I was the closest to suicidal, I’d ever been since deciding to leave.” she states.

A few weeks after she and her kids moved back to this church, her ex moved back and started going to the church too. “The kids and I would go to church, and no one would talk to us. I would see the pastors and other people talking with him, inviting him to their houses for lunch, etc. A church family sold him a car for $10, while that week told me that I needed to stop relying on him so much financially after I’d asked him for a little extra money so the kids could buy a present for a friend’s birthday party.” Junia shares.

“After escaping, my kids and I spent three months in a shelter. We ended up moving six times in the first two years. I finally got a Section 8 housing voucher. But finding an apartment was almost impossible because even though the voucher paid the rent, my credit was horrible due to financial abuse. So, my applications kept being rejected. I finally found an apartment in a section of town where I had no interest in living. 

“During the last six years I’ve also had no close in-person relationships. There’s no one to call at 2 a.m. in an emergency. I can go months without having any physical contact with another adult. Before I started my business, I could go weeks without talking to another adult. 

I live with a chronic, low-level feeling of hopelessness due to the amount of isolation I’ve experienced for so long. I try not to think about it because it hurts too much, and I have to expend too much energy trying to stay out of extreme depression if I do. 

“And then there’s church. I’ve realized that even walking into a church feels like drowning in a pool of electrified water. The mental image I have is the congregation standing casually around on the pool deck, watching me being electrocuted and drowning at the same time. They do nothing but watch while standing there with their arms around my ex. I can’t go into a church without getting close to a panic attack. So, I just don’t.

My faith is in tatters. I’m not even sure I’m a Christian anymore. I’ve been unable to separate my view of God from the actions of people who say they follow him. At the least, the God I grew up believing in seems to have completely abandoned my children and me. I’m currently unable to read/listen to more than a few lines of Scripture at a time without starting to dissociate, especially if someone starts sermonizing about God being good,” Junia concludes.

In contrast, Hannah’s counselor put her in touch with Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM).

They immediately assigned her an advocate and church partner liaison and placed her in a support group. At the same time, Hannah also went into a heavy court battle with the former leader (Bill Gothard) of the organization she had worked for as he was trying to put a judgment on her and demand she recant everything she had said about him.

CTPM began working with her church, where she was in marriage counseling/accountability. Her church wanted to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse since they were concerned with what they saw along with her husband’s lack of repentance. Finally, Hannah decided she would escape but reached out to her church one last time for help. Her church got involved and helped her get to a place of safety.

All she had wanted to was honor God with her life and now her marriage was over, and she was facing court for speaking the truth God told her to. She felt God had forsaken her and had difficulty understanding that God loved her because her “life felt destroyed and was beyond painful for following ‘Biblical principles for success’,” as she was taught.

When my pastor said to me, ‘I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, this is not God’s heart towards you. We desire you to know there are men who do love God and desire to protect you. We, as a church, want to walk with you and protect you.’ 

“I had never experienced the love of God as I did at that moment. My heart immediately turned to God. I began pouring into the Psalms, and I could sense the mercy of God through my church being willing to help me get to a place of peace. I knew He was good and coming to rescue me,” Hannah states confidentially.

Her church kept its word and walked with her through all of it. They made sure she had safe housing and was provided for. They continually pointed her to the love of God, and the truth that abuse wasn’t His heart towards her. They prayed with her and were there to help when she called.

“My CTPM support group leader/advocate mentored me. She helped me find the love of Jesus in the aftermath of domestic abuse. Again and again, she demonstrated the heart of God towards me, which was nothing like my abusers, by pointing me to Scripture, the suffering of Christ, and how much He loved me. She pursued me when she knew I was struggling and kept telling me to cling to Him – that He was good and faithful. I trusted her when she said He was good because I had watched her advocate for me.

My faith in His love and care for me was restored. I clung to Him through the challenges of fleeing domestic abuse and facing my former cult leader in court, and I saw His faithfulness beyond what I could imagine, as they said I would.

“Today, I’m in a secure job and housing. My child sees God as someone who is there for her when she needs Him. She knows He answers prayers and works miracles. She recently walked forward to be baptized. Worship music and prayer are a huge part of our home. I know clinging to God is my only source of hope. He has done miracles for us and provided again and again. He gave me peace. I’m incredibly grateful for CTPM and my church, which pointed me to the love of God. Without them, I don’t think my child and I would be walking so closely with God today. 

“My heart is to help others find the same hope and healing I found in the heart of God after domestic abuse. I want them to truly know the love and faithfulness of Jesus who can heal and restore their hearts,” Hannah concludes.

Meet Ruby: Pastor’s Wife & Survivor

Guest post by Lauren Rose

Meet Ruby! Before marriage, she pursued her master’s in Christian studies while on staff at a large church. “Life was good, and I had realized my purpose was to encourage and build up the next generation,” she exclaimed confidently.

When Ruby first met her husband, he seemed ideal, lined up with her future visions and goals, and he was in seminary. They had a long-distance relationship for a year before getting married. There were a few red flags, but she dismissed them because “he seemed to be repentant and was overcoming trauma issues along with deep insecurities from critical and neglectful family members.”

During their dating life, he was a smooth talker and often quoted Scripture. If he snapped, he quickly corrected himself. On the day they were married, as they drove away from the church, the mask came off, and he grabbed her arm and pulled her in the limousine from waving goodbye to family and church friends, harshly commanding, “Get away from there!” The remaining evening was tense. Ruby was shocked at the coming events. On the honeymoon, he became melodramatic, and there was a complete personality change. “I knew something was off that first week; he went from adoring me to criticizing everything about me,” Ruby recalls.

At first, Ruby continued to make the same excuses she did while dating. She saw his shortcomings stemming from a dysfunctional childhood and did not think he was capable of “loving” the way God calls us to because he never experienced that type of love growing up. At the same time, he was in ministry and there was a profound contradiction between living in the flesh and the spirit.

The first five years were the most difficult as she was trying to understand what was going on. Exhausted from doing 99% of the parenting, confused, she slowly began reaching out for help after multiple violent episodes around the kids. Still, she was “very concerned about being a good Christian wife and honoring and protecting her husband.” The professional counselor affirmed this was not healthy, but the two pastors she reached out to at this time just encouraged her to love and serve harder. “I wanted to be a godly wife, so I kept clinging to the Bible and prayed for miracles,” Ruby interjects.

When approached by pastors or counselors about Ruby’s concerns, he would play along at first, act humble, and share how he had not been kind. He’d often share how Ruby deserved much better and how sorry he was. He would cry, use beautiful poetic words, and often connected positively with the other pastors. They concluded, “He’s a man’s man; I like him.”

Additionally, her husband abused substances. Coming home from work, he would go straight to the bottle, abuse pain killers and other drugs. Once after her husband let his guard down and a pastor saw his true colors, he responded with, “Your husband needs psychological help! You need to cater to his needs and act like you have a special needs child, similar to if you had a Down Syndrome child. Moreover, you need to stop everything and cater to your husband.” Bewildered, Ruby thought, “I’ve ALREADY TRIED ALL OF THAT, and it enabled his SIN!”

After nine years of marriage counseling, Ruby’s health started deteriorating, having debilitating migraines from the stress of living in abuse. Ruby added, “It was as if God allowed my health to start failing to show me that ‘I’m not meant to hold all of this together.’ It was my failing health, in addition to my children’s fears and anxieties whenever I left them with their dad, which lead me to seek refuge from my marriage. However, I was still focused on reconciliation!”

After three years of trying hard to bring healing and reconciliation, and battling harsh treatment, deception, and unfaithfulness on his part, God closed those doors! In these three years, Ruby met Joy with Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM). “Our first conversation felt like she understood my situation, and I didn’t have to say much. My story was ‘textbook’ to so many others. She validated my feelings and connected me to valuable resources that would ultimately bring freedom and deliverance from oppression.” Finally, as Ruby laid the relationship down to God, accepting that it might not work out because of her husband’s continued rejection of their marital covenant, she began to heal.

Out of all the Christian support, churches, seminary, and friends, CTPM was the most supportive, helpful, and life-giving. “I received non-judgmental and practical support. I was welcomed and valued as one deeply loved by God. I wasn’t viewed as part of the problem, but rather as someone who had been deeply wronged,” Ruby shares gratefully.

“Today, I’m free in Christ and so thankful for His love, grace, and mercy. Life is still often hard and harder, but I’ve been delivered from deep oppression. I learned that God’s design for marriage is to reflect His love and peace. When one person acts in opposition to God’s design, how does that relationship display Christ and the Church? It doesn’t! God’s design for marriage is beautiful, each submitting to Christ and loving the other out of reverence of the LORD to build up His Kingdom.”

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The day my world came crashing down

Guest Post by Sage Sparrow

I’m a survivor of domestic abuse and I remember the day my world as I knew it came crashing down around me.  I got a phone call from an elder at my church hours before I was planning to help lead a children’s program.  

Don’t come, not for this, not for choir, not for holding babies in the nursery, not for anything. 

I broke down in ugly tears.  Only a few weeks prior, I had left my abusive husband.  More than a decade of all kinds of abuse directed toward the children and me.  This was enough to disqualify me from church service.  It’s for your healing was the excuse I heard.  I can only imagine how healing it would have been an hour a week to see the faces of the preschool children light up as they played or talked about Jesus.  Instead, I sat in the lobby while my own children attended their groups.  I can only imagine how healing it would have been to have been surrounded by a choir who had sung with me for over a decade.  Instead I sat in the congregation as a well-known singer.  I heard more than once, “Choir not paying you enough?”  I can only imagine how healing it would have been to rock a baby to sleep in the nursery.  Instead, I listened to a sermon calling people to serve and how they always needed more childcare workers. 

Each Sunday became an exercise in pain management.  Passing choir members in the hall who “don’t know why you’ve suddenly “quit” the choir.”  Passing elders and wondering how they could equate isolation with healing.  Passing former “friends” who didn’t believe me.  Avoiding my abuser (because he’s still there too).  Trying to go into worship with all of these people and listen to the pastor preach against abuse so eloquently, while not being able to recognize it when my husband strode into his office with a charming smile and introduced himself as “victim of an unloving wife.”

Months went by and there was no indication of reinstatement to church life.  Meanwhile my abuser had told the church he wanted to reconcile, claiming he had been forced into legal action because of me.  I offered to show them the court documents to prove which one of us had filed to start the divorce (him). I attempted to explain to the church how this was a lie as he was making false allegations against me with CPS (Child Protective Services) with the intent to win sole custody and make me homeless in the process.  

Shrug.  We’re still praying for you and for your marriage to be restored. We can only believe what he tells us, even if his actions seem contrary.  Maybe you can serve again when all this is over. 

Half a year of this torture had passed with at least another half year before “all this” could have been considered over.  In secrecy and desperation, I attended a different church’s service.  I found healing there.  Compassion, prayer, genuine worship, acceptance. 

If you are a survivor reading this and you are in a church where you feel shamed, anxious, cast aside, isolated, and treated as anything less than a believable, lovable, beautiful woman who is more than welcome to worship, I submit to you that you haven’t found your church yet.  Church is the way God set up for his children to come together as a family to worship and fellowship.  Jesus went after the rejected, despised, and the unloved.  His heart is for the oppressed.

“The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.”
Psalm 9:9-10

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18

“But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God. He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. He keeps every promise forever. He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry. The Lord frees the prisoners.”
Psalm 146:5-7 

“Speak up, judge righteously, and defend the cause of the oppressed and needy.”
Proverbs 31:9