He’d be Crucified in the Blogs

I came across this post this morning and thought it was worth reposting since a dear friend of mine is being attacked on a popular blog right now. I have added a footnote regarding these attacks.

 

JoyfulSurrender.com

Some days I just get weary of life in the 21st century American church. Yes, I am a part of it, and yes it does many good things.  When I walk through the halls at my church, I see lives that have been radically transformed, marriages that have been saved, and I hear messages that proclaim God’s unchanging truth. When I look at disasters in our world, I am always blessed by how the church rises up to help victims. However, when I look at the American church as a whole I sometimes get a little nauseated. It brings a whole new meaning to Jesus’ words about spewing the lukewarm Laodicean church out of his mouth (Rev. 3:). In fact, in the Greek, that word literally means vomit.  The church is supposed to be salt and light not curdled milk!

Is it just me, or do others have that same…

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Will Abuse in the Church Overshadow Greear’s “Gospel Above All” Agenda?

I live my life in the trenches ministering to victims of domestic abuse. It’s no place for the faint of heart, and because tragic stories like the ones I see daily are played out below the surface, the rest of the world finds them easy to overlook. However, in recent weeks some of what I see regularly has become big news. A few weeks ago, we saw prominent Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) leader Paige Patterson lose his job over mishandling of abuse cases, and suddenly what has flourished in the darkness was dragged into the light. In response to the Patterson uproar and other scandals involving a significant number of evangelical churches, many in church leadership have made strong statements about abuse. J.D. Greear, recently elected president of the SBC, wrote a poignant apology to victims and abuse advocates. Greear is one of the youngest presidents ever elected and represents a new brand of Southern Baptists that seems more focused on the gospel of grace than the letter of the law.  Our ministry is located in the same area as Greear’s Summit Church and ladies in our support groups who attend there love it. They tell us they find a great amount of support and encouragement at Summit– which is definitely not the case for many of survivors we serve. For this and other reasons, I’m very pleased to see Greear take the lead at the SBC.

However, as a seasoned advocate I’m concerned that in spite of the apologies and promises of change we’ve heard, it will be business as usual once everything calms down. Obviously, one man cannot singlehandedly change an entire denomination, especially one that stresses congregational autonomy. Still, he does have influence. His proposed platform stresses “gospel above all,” which is undeniably a compelling focus. However, when I first heard it I couldn’t help but think how often the gospel has been tarnished by evangelical churches in their handling of domestic violence and sexual abuse, and couldn’t help but think that if nothing changes the gospel will continue to be maligned by the very people who claim its power. In other words, we can’t convey the power of the gospel until the people who are proclaiming it begin to “act justly and show mercy”  to victims of abuse (Mic. 6:8). We must begin to elevate lives above institutions in a way that shows the world we love well or our words are meaningless.

Statistics show that domestic violence is no less common in the church than in the population at large. That means that as many as one in three women in our churches are or have been victims of domestic abuse, and most of them have children who likely have been affected by the abuse in their homes. These statistics refer to physical abuse only, so when you add in the number who have been subject to threats, intimidation and other nonphysical forms of abuse the numbers are likely much higher. Without a doubt, we have a serious problem– one that is largely hidden and misunderstood. For the last few decades advocates have been raising their voices trying to help our churches see, but in general it has been denied or minimized. Even though more and more churches are taking measures to improve their response to abuse, far too many are not.

Years ago, I worked at a local domestic violence shelter. Within weeks I began to meet women who were confused by their churches’ response to the abuse. One lady asked me, “Why does my pastor care more about my marriage than my life?” My non-Christian counterparts simply shook their heads with a look that inferred that if was what Christianity looked like, they wanted nothing to do with it. Over the past 20 years I have worked with hundreds of Christian victims of abuse, and in so many of those cases they came out doubly harmed– first by their abusers and second by their churches.

Many victims faced church discipline for leaving their abusive spouses, many were told they could not file for divorce or legal separation while their spouses used their lack of action to their advantage and depleted their entire savings accounts. Many Christian wives were told to submit to abusive husbands as long as they weren’t asking them to sin, which only heightened their husbands’ sense of entitlement . Again and again I’ve watched counsel like this cause unbelieving friends and advocates to feel justified in their belief that Christianity is not for them. In addition, I have met scores of Christian abuse survivors who refuse to ever set foot in a church again because of the way the abuse was handled. Even worse, I have seen many children from abusive Christian homes reject the gospel altogether, because their fathers used scripture and authoritarian interpretations of male headship, to justify their oppressive ways. Many of these kids have told me that God seemed cruel and unjust, especially in cases where their churches’ advice appeared to sanction their fathers’ claims.

Do I think churches actually intend to harm victims and their children? Absolutely not. At least not in the vast majority of cases. However, I do believe that churches with more authoritarian positions on male headship in marriage provide fertile ground for abuse. I also believe that the complicated nature of domestic violence makes it very difficult for those unfamiliar with the dynamics to handle it. If there ever was a time to refer out to experts, suspicion of domestic abuse is it. Sadly many counselors and pastors miss it because the severity of the problem is never disclosed in counseling, or the abusive spouse is completely charming in public, while the victim is frazzled and anxious. The problem thrives in secrecy so much so that it can be hard to believe when a victim finally speaks up. Without an understanding of the dynamics of abuse these factors can make it very tricky for churches to determine the best course of action. That is one reason our ministry and others offer to come alongside those who want to help in these situations and help navigate. Domestic violence does not respond well to marital counseling, and there are many other factors, including the effects of trauma on victims and their children, that must be considered when attempting to help.

Until the SBC and other evangelical churches begin to understand the inherent difficulties of working with domestic abuse, their efforts to help families affected by it could very likely continue to do more harm than good. People will continue to “perish for a lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). The message to victims, their children, their friends and other helpers will be that God cares more about marriages than lives, and that will do nothing to draw them to the gospel of grace. My prayer is that God will open the eyes of His people, and that we will begin to show unbelievers the truth of the gospel of grace by loving one another well.

A final note

In recent months, Called to Peace Ministries has been working with several local SBC churches as they navigate cases of abuse in their congregations. We have been so encouraged to see them willing to learn how to help families in crisis. In fact, when these churches have gotten on board the outcome has been so much better than we normally see. They have actually been able to step in and protect victims from further harm. The world cannot provide what the church can! There is power in the community of faith. It’s been amazing to watch sacrificial love at work– love that is willing to be inconvenienced and reach out to hold an abuser accountable or to provide for the physical needs of a survivor. It is a beautiful thing to watch the Body of Christ fulfill its mission to care for God’s sheep. In the few cases we’ve seen, the power of the gospel has been crystal clear to unbelievers. In fact, one of the ladies whose church has risen to the occasion told me that one of her unchurched friends has been so impressed by her church’s support that she is coming to church for the first time ever. That, my friends, is “gospel above all” in action! My prayer is that more and more churches will follow suit so that the power of gospel will not be overshadowed by injustice in our midst.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

A Domestic Violence Advocate’s Plea to the SBC

A few weeks ago I met with Bruce Ashford, provost of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, to share some concerns I have about all the recent news regarding abuse, Paige Patterson and the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC). I had seen several tweets and blogposts from SBC leaders including the Bruce and reached out to him. I knew our time was limited so I printed off a list of nine points I think the SBC must address in order to improve their response to the abuse epidemic that has remained hidden for so long. He was very receptive, seemed to understand and agree with most of my concerns, then asked for permission to share. He and his wife Lauren added their perspective on several points and posted  8 Ways SBC Churches Can Strengthen our Response to Domestic Abuse a few days ago. I shared it on my social media pages; however, I’m getting some backlash from my advocate friends so I thought I’d share the original document (I had already shared on some advocates forums), as well as my thoughts on the Ashford post.

First of all, let me say that I appreciate the fact that Bruce was willing to listen. I can see he has a heart for the abused and that he wants to help the SBC improve their response. So while their perspective on some of the latter points in the post are different than mine, I choose to be thankful that we have a dialogue going and that he is open. Understanding domestic violence is not easy. I have been advocating for victims for over twenty years now and I am constantly learning. I think too many times we as advocates are quick to criticize  without allowing for that. I believe that leaders who are wiling to learn should be commended, and am glad that many important points were shared by someone who has far more followers on social media than I do. He has a voice and influence in places I don’t, so praise God that he shared what he did.

In the meantime, some of you asked for the original document I shared with him, so I’m sharing below.

Improving Our Response to Domestic Violence

“Judgment has now come to the house of the Southern Baptist Convention. The terrible swift sword of public humiliation has come with a vengeance. There can be no doubt that this story is not over.” Al Mohler

To effectively address domestic abuse the SBC should:

  • Recognize the overall nature of domestic violence.It is not always physical or illegal. See attached Power & Control Wheel and “Myths and Realities of Domestic Batterers.” When we fail to recognize the nonphysical tactics used by nearly all perpetrators, we diminish the experience of thousands of victims. We must expand our definition of domestic abuse to include these other well-documented traits.
  • Understand that making blanket statements about what a victim should do is not a good idea. For example, calling the police could actually be harmful to a victim in the long run.
  • Commit to becoming educated.This does not merely mean going to your nearest counselor. Domestic violence is often not covered sufficiently in many counseling programs. Seek out experts on domestic violence and add women’s voices to the conversation. Engage your congregations in a conversation about abuse.
  • Recognize that the theology of many among our ranks has hurt women. There is a whole movement against complementarian theology among DV advocates because it has been so warped. The SBC should strongly denounce authoritarian/ hyper-headship interpretations of scripture. Locally, I heard a pastor preach a sermon in which he pounded his fist on the podium as he said, “Wives, you need to submit to your husbands! I don’t care if he’s good. I don’t care if he’s bad. You need to submit!” This sort of teaching simply reinforces abusive men’s sense of entitlement and keeps victims of abuse in oppression.
  • Recognize that our counseling has hurt victims. Domestic violence does not respond well to marital counseling, but in general marriages have been elevated above lives in our counseling. Much of what has been labeled biblical counseling has resulted in placing responsibility for the abuse on victims. See attached article “Deadly Counseling.”
  • Recognize that our churches have believed abusers far more than their victims. Although statistics show fewer than 10% of abuse claims are false, the overwhelming majority of victims we work with have told us that their pastors believed their husbands rather than them, or if they believed their claims they minimized the severity of the abuse. They were also quick to accept shallow confessions as repentance and force reconciliation before it was safe.
  • Recognize that many victims have felt doubly abused by their churches through church discipline when they decided to leave abusers who were harming them and their children. In more conservative churches this seems to be the rule rather than the exception.
  • Recognize the effects of trauma on victims and their children. Most children and victims who live with DV suffer a host of issues including complex PTSD. It is nearly impossible for them to heal when they are being exposed to continual abuse. Therefore, refusing to allow them to separate or forcing reconciliation before healing causes further harm. Children who live with DV (even nonphysical) are more likely to drop out of school, more likely to be incarcerated, more likely to commit suicide and (especially when the abuser uses scripture as a weapon) more likely to deny the faith.
  • Understand there is a correlation between the recent avalanche of sexual sin being exposed in our ranks and domestic abuse. An overwhelming majority of female victims of abuse report that their husbands are addicted to pornography and have committed adultery (often with multiple partners). The attitude of such men towards women is one of entitlement and objectification.

“Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—the Lord detests them both.”   Pr. 17:15

Repentant Abusers & Hard Hearted Victims?

We don’t often post our videos on this blog, but we’ve received so much feedback on this one, we decided to do it. It’s long but worth your time if you’re a people helper and want to know the common pitfalls helpers (counselors, friends, pastors) often face when dealing with domestic violence and destructive relationships.

Often pastors and counselors who work with victims of domestic violence tell us that even when they see evidence of repentance by abusers, their victims become “hard-hearted” and refuse to consider reconciliation. In many cases this leads to the victims undergoing church discipline, even when there has been a clear pattern of domestic violence. This conversation between Chris Moles (PeaceWorks) and Joy Forrest (Called to Peace Ministries) discusses the faulty assumptions and dangers behind this sort of counsel. WATCH NOW!

I’m CONFIDENT!!

I still see so many people struggling with anxiety, and this popped up in my Facebook Memories today. Still relevant.

JoyfulSurrender.com

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. (Ps.27:3) I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13)

The world teaches us that if we believe in ourselves we can do anything, but I have to say that my self-confidence levels are really not that high. I’ve lived with myself long enough to know that I can utterly blow it in the blink of an eye. Outside of the grace and Spirit of God I don’t trust myself, and I know that without confidence in his great love for me, I would be crippled by fear and anxiety. Even after I became a believer, fear was a constant struggle for me until God graciously used some trying circumstances in my life, and his Word…

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Holding Nothing Back

Trials can take us one of two ways…

JoyfulSurrender.com

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me.” Ps. 22:14

Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. Is. 53:12

 There are days when I think I have nothing left to give. I become so exhausted by the demands and tugs of world that I nearly shut down. Usually I try to figure out a way to pamper myself so that I can recharge, but when I think about it nothing I have faced has ever required everything I have. Even when I was experiencing the worst abuse, I was holding on to every vestige of control I could muster. When it seemed utterly…

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A Biblical Account of the Abusive Personality

One of the ladies in our online group brought up the differences between King Saul and David in our group recently, saying she thought she was getting a David, but got a Saul instead. It reminded me of this post. The interesting thing about Saul and David is that David’s sins were far worse by human standards, yet it was his response to confrontation that made all the difference. He humbled himself and repented (2. Sam. 12:13), but when Saul was confronted he minimized, blamed and made it all about his reputation (1 Sam. 15:15, 20, 30).

JoyfulSurrender.com

People often ask me for specific biblical counsel on domestic violence, and though there is not a specific case of blatant spousal abuse in scripture, there are numerous accounts of abuse. The very first example of family violence came very early in the history of mankind when Cain killed Abel. The inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah were known for their wickedness, which apparently included blatant sexual abuse on a regular basis. Joseph was abused by his brothers. The Levite in Judges 19 casually threw his concubine out to a mob to be raped, and when she died as a result of her injuries he cut her into pieces to show Israel how his property had been destroyed. Family violence touched king David’s household when Amnon raped Tamar and later Absalom killed him. If I were a betting woman, I would bet that Abigail’s husband Nabal was abusive towards her. Scripture…

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Keys to Victorious Christian Living

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