Irreconcilable Differences

The Destructive Impact of a Lack of Humility in Our Nation

When I used to do marriage counseling, there were certain attitudes on the part of one, or both, spouses that I knew would doom a marriage. If I could not get them to empathize with one another or see things from their partner’s perspective, I knew it was just a matter of time before they’d be standing before a judge confirming the irreparable rift I was already seeing. When these couples came in for counseling the following mindsets were apparent in at least one spouse.

• I’m here to fix my spouse and don’t need to look at myself.
• I’m right and he or she is wrong. There is no room for compromise.
• When my spouse doesn’t agree with me, I judge his or her motives (self-righteousness).
• When my spouse doesn’t agree with me, I harshly criticize or punish.

As I watch the headlines, I see all of the elements of a doomed marriage playing out in our nation. We have lost our ability to compromise and automatically judge the motives of those who don’t conform to our way of thinking. The latest issues have just brought to a head what has been lying deep beneath the surface for several years now. I was recently criticized on social media for discouraging violent protests and encouraging peaceful ones. The inference was that condemning violence was borderline racist. As someone who lived through and stood up with activists during the civil rights movement, I couldn’t imagine how my comments could have been so misconstrued, but it happens so often these days (from people on both sides) that I’ve become afraid to even state a simple opinion. My freedom of speech has surely been stifled. Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our way and without a miracle I fear that division we are seeing will destroy us as a nation.

I remember a time not too long ago when Americans of differing opinions were able to respectfully debate one another. When I went to college, I naturally carried the beliefs I inherited from my parents. I was a political science major, and during the final years of my undergraduate training, I took a few seminars on the philosophy of politics. In those classes, I got to hear both sides[i] of issues, and often found myself questioning the logic behind my beliefs. I had never really taken the time to listen to both sides of these issues. I simply assumed I was right, because that’s what I had been told most of my life, and because like-minded people tend to stick together so I had never really been exposed to people who believed differently than me. It was an eye-opening experience that broadened my perspective and even gave me the ability to understand and respect people with varied political viewpoints.

After college I stayed intensely interested and involved in politics. I always felt my voice and vote made a difference, but over the last few decades I’ve come to believe otherwise. It seems politicians have capitalized on our division over social issues. They’ve learned to use our passions to divide us to get our focus off of the fact that the vast majority of our elected officials (on both sides of the aisle) are being bought by special interests and promoting big money agendas. The average American has no idea of how many laws these special interests get passed, and with many of them the tradeoff is a loss of freedom in the name of the common good– but I digress, the point is we have become so polarized as a people that we are no longer able to work together. Instead, like doomed married couples, we judge one another and refuse to consider the validity of our opponents’ arguments. We are right and they are wrong. There is no middle ground. If they disagree, we start accusing them of cruelty and claim to be victims.[ii] Simply disagreeing isn’t cruelty, but when we have self-righteous attitudes, we see differing opinions as threats.

As a counselor who specializes in abuse, I know that people with self-righteous, judgmental mindsets often seek to control partners who don’t agree with them. Everything becomes about power and control rather than relationship. As a result, they usually shut their partners down and refuse to listen. They block any of their attempts to voice concerns, and successful resolution of conflict becomes impossible. Communication is impossible. This is where we are as a nation. We are unable to resolve our conflicts and are becoming increasingly hostile towards one another. In a marriage the end result would be divorce, for this nation I fear it could mean something even worse. Our only hope is a miracle from God, and that is what I’m praying.

 

Lord, send revival to our broken land and heal us. Amen

 

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[i] And I mean both sides. Back then debate was encouraged. I am not sure that is the case these days.

[ii] This statement comes from a counselor who works almost exclusively with victims of abuse, and guess what I’ve learned over the years? Victims of abuse rarely claim that they are abused while abusers do it all the time. A common technique used by abusers is called DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Seems common on a societal level these days.

 

 

When God Shows Up

Many years ago, in a small church in Mexico, I interpreted a whole sermon from Spanish to English. That might not seem very remarkable to some of my readers, but to those who know me (and my very limited Spanish skills) it was nothing short of miraculous. We had just spent a week helping two small churches with their missions to the local community, but just before the end of our trip our interpreter had to leave early.  When we arrived at the church that Sunday, I looked at the two young men who had been interning with a local missionary, waiting for them to begin interpreting. However, they just looked at me and said they couldn’t. I tried to tell everyone that I was absolutely not able to interpret a sermon, but seeing that no one else was able or willing I agreed to give it a try.

As I opened my mouth, God showed up. Somehow I found myself understanding words I had never heard before, and in the few spots (at the beginning) where I got stuck the pastor’s gestures were enough to help me get it. By the end of the message I was getting nearly every word. To this day, I find it hard to believe that happened, but really I should’t have been surprised. If I’ve learned anything in the last few decades, it is that God does miraculous things when we step out in faith.

For years I knew he was calling me to begin a domestic violence ministry, and I sat back waiting for him to show me the details. I prayed and waited for him to provide the income, but nothing happened. Eventually the calling became so strong I began to pour all my effort into developing an alternative source of income so that I could do the ministry. But that didn’t work either, nor did any of my efforts to figure it out and make it happen in a way that seemed safe and secure.

One day as I was crying out to God, I clearly sensed his voice in my spirit telling me that his calling was not for me to make it happen, but to be obedient-– even when I couldn’t see how he was going to do it. I had been spending all my efforts trying to do it in a way that made practical sense, but he was calling me to the impossible. He was calling me out of my comfort zone into the miraculous. Often when God calls it makes no sense in the natural realm. Consider the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan. They arrived there when the river was at flood stage, but God told them to walk through the river.

“Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing.” Joshua 3:15-16

Isn’t it interesting that the flow of the river didn’t stop until the priests put their feet in the river? It seemed crazy by human standards, but that’s exactly how God works. He calls us out of our own understanding into his ways (Pr. 3:5-6).  We simply have to be obedient to walk towards his calling. Until we put action to our faith, nothing changes. That does not mean we try to force our idea of how his plan might look. Instead, it means trusting as we walk towards his calling. When we do He shows up mightily.