Don’t Confess Your Sins to an Abuser!

HOW COUNSELING VICTIMS TO CONFESS THEIR SIN EMBOLDENS ABUSERS

Reposted from October, 2017

Last week in our support group for survivors of domestic abuse, one of the participants approached me after class to tell me about a counseling session she had with a biblical counselor at her church a few days earlier. This dear lady is living with a very harsh husband who constantly berates her. He tells her how worthless he thinks she is regularly, so she went to counseling in hopes of finding a way to have peace in the midst of a very destructive marriage. Her counselor rightly told her that the only person she can change is herself, and then began to help her uncover her sins and shortcomings as a wife. The focus was on the marriage, and in the end, my friend left with a popular book on how to be a godly wife. As she relayed the story tears came to her eyes. She explained how she had spent years trying to be a better wife, and looking at her own sin, but that only seemed to worsen her husband’s sense of entitlement.

My friend also told me about the many counseling sessions she and her husband had attended together over the years, and how the counsel in those sessions was nearly always the same. Somehow she was made to feel responsible for her husband’s sin. If she would just be more submissive, more “quiet and gentle,” and more loving maybe her husband would be won without a word. She was always encouraged to look at her own sin, and never to keep a record of the wrongs done to her. For over 2 decades that is what she has done, but things have only gotten worse.

In joint counseling sessions, her husband usually listened very intently to all the instructions the given to her, as well as her confessions of missing the mark in their relationship. It actually seemed those counseling sessions gave him ammunition when they got back home. The counselors had merely confirmed his beliefs about her incompetence as a wife, and proven that he needed to take a stronger hand in leadership. The truth is that their counselors had probably confronted his sin as well, but he simply chose to ignore those parts of the sessions. Besides, he was able to get his wife to freely admit to more than her fair share of the blame, so it was easy to turn the main focus of most sessions to that.

Abusive people are skilled at diverting the focus of counseling to less important issues. They also love to find counselors who will focus on marital roles rather than heart issues. Counselors who encourage wives to submit and yield to their husbands’ leadership can cause great harm. In all my years of working as an advocate, I’ve never seen a situation where submitting to sinful mistreatment saved a marriage. Usually, it has the opposite effect. It only serves to empower and embolden hearts that are filled with pride, while victims are left taking on the burden for the entire relationship.

No matter if the counseling is balanced, and equally focused on both spouses’ sin, an abusive person will only hear instructions aimed at his or her spouse. As a result, even the best marital counselors will find themselves doing more harm than good. They may not see it in a session where the offending spouse is nodding his head in approval, and acting extremely motivated for change. However, things change once the couple gets back home, and the abuser begins to taunt his spouse using the advice of the counselor. When it comes to abusive and destructive relationships, marital counseling just doesn’t work. Instead, it usually makes matters worse– particularly counsel that focuses on the victim’s sin in front of an oppressive spouse.* If you’re living in an abusive relationship (read more here if you’re not sure), I encourage you to steer clear of joint martial counseling, or any counseling that puts the burden of the relationship and the abuse on you.

Let me just say that I am a biblical counselor! I believe in the sufficiency of scripture, and acknowledge that sin is the root cause of the overwhelming majority of problems we see in counseling. However, as an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, I’ve seen a very troubling trend when it comes to our counseling strategies in cases of abuse. We’ve been taught that we need to get to the root sin issues with our clients, and rightly so. The problem occurs when we fail to recognize clear patterns of oppression that are nearly always present in cases of abuse. When we put couples in the same room for marital counseling and ask victims to confess their sins to their oppressors, we are arming their abusers. God’s heart is for the weak and afflicted, and he opposes proud oppressors (Zec. 7:10, Ps. 72:4, Ps. 82:3-4). May he give us wisdom to do the same.

“How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Ps. 82:2-4

*Of course, victims are not without sin, but when we encourage confession of sin in front of an abuser we merely feed both spouses’ faulty assumptions that the victim’s sin caused the abuse. In my years of counseling, I’d have to say the victims’ sin is rarely what counselors assume– it’s not provoking the abuse! More likely, it is being ruled by “fear of man.” Counsel that puts the burden for the abuse on the victim is not only ineffective, but extremely harmful.

Peace in Troubled Times

This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and that’s saying a lot, because I have suffered greatly in my time on this earth. Yet, in all my trials and tribulations, I have learned that suffering can be a beautiful opportunity to connect to things that transcend this temporary existence. My faith is deeper and, through suffering, I’ve come to realize that God’s grace and love are sufficient to get me through anything. I am so grateful to be his child. He is good, even in this broken world where life is often excruitatingly hard— perhaps even more so when life is hard. 

This world is broken, because God has given  mankind free will and as a race we rejected him, but he did not reject us. He took on flesh, came to earth, and entered into our suffering to win us back. Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, but then assured us that he has overcome the world. He promised us peace, even in the midst of suffering in pain. 

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27). What a beautiful promise of peace! But— that promise is connected to a command that we don’t allow our hearts to be troubled. Really, Jesus ?! Isn’t worry and anxiety a natural reaction to pain and suffering? It certainly has been for me. I spent the first 40+ years of my life crippled by fear and worry.  

It was a crisis in 2005 that finally helped me realize that, even though I claimed to be a Believer, my life was defined by fear rather than faith. Scripture says that without faith it is impossible to please God, and I knew I wanted to please the One who gave up everything for me. I made a decision that year not to allow my heart to dwell on the trials, but to instead dwell on things that were true, lovely and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). Basically, I took promises from scripture (verses that reassured me of his love and care) and chose to dwell on those truths rather than my worries. I came to realize that even if the worst of my fears came to pass, He was still faithful and true. I chose to meditate on his goodness instead of my fears, and in the process my life was completely transformed. I became an overcomer instead of a constant victim of circumstances. 

Fast forward to October 2021 when one tribulation after the other began to overwhelm our family, but this time around the the trials were happening to my children and grandchildren. Worry began to creep back in. I took a sabbatical in January and He was faithful to minister to my aching soul, but a few months later a new tide of troubles rolled in— and then another… and another… and then yet another. 

To be honest, I’ve floundered a lot this year. I’ve had to choose many times over to believe rather than doubt, but it’s been a constant battle, and I’ve found myself so weary. Scripture tells us our trials on earth are light and momentary (2 Cor. 4:17), but this year they have felt heavy and endless. I’m sure it’s partly because I have fixed my eyes on the troubles instead of One who transcends this world and overcame on my behalf. The things we see and experience here on earth are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal. I choose to meditate on the eternal— my precious Savior, his love, his goodness and his promises. I will not allow my heart to dwell on the troubles anymore. I can lament them, but I will not meditate on them. Instead I choose to see this extended season of trouble as another opportunity to grow my roots even deeper into the One who is my peace (Eph. 2:14).

Isaiah 26:3 seems like a very appropriate place to end this. “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” This passage actually refers to our imaginations. When we worry we imagine (picture) all the bad things that might happen, but when we picture his love, care, and faithfulness, we will experience his perfect peace. Today I am choosing to picture my good Shepherd leading me beside still waters and making me rest. I will be still as he anoints my wounded head with the oil of his Spirit, and restores my weary soul as only he can.

What about you? Have troubles overwhelmed you so that you find yourself rehearsing them over and over in your mind? Will you join me in redirecting your mind and allowing him to give you rest? Will you make the choice to be still and fix your gaze on him instead of the many trials you’ve experienced? He is greater than anything you will ever face, and he loves you beyond measure. Resting in his perfect love will dispel every fear and worry. My prayer for you today is that you will join me by the still waters of His amazing love and that you will experience peace beyond human comprehension– even in the midst of trouble.

We Don’t Know What to Do…

I don’t know about you, but all the craziness that’s come in 2020 has tempted me to worry a lot. I keep wondering what I can do to change things, but feel completely powerless to do so. It seems like nothing I could do would make a bit of difference. I’d be completely overwhelmed, except for the fact that I’ve been in impossible situations like this before, and those times taught me to cling to the God of the impossible. He has shown up for me in miraculous ways on multiple occasions.

I love this story from 2 Chronicles 20. Basically, God’s people were surrounded by a vast army that was too powerful for them. The king stood up and prayed this “we don’t know what to do” prayer. He confessed his powerlessness, and then proclaimed that their only hope was in God. As the people stood before the Lord and waited, the Spirit of God moved on a prophet who proclaimed, “Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s” (20:15). On hearing this word the people bowed down in worship— they began to praise Him “with a very loud voice” (20:19). This praise continued as they went into battle the next morning. Scripture says, “When they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes against [their enemies]..so they were routed” (20:22). Not one enemy escaped while the people of Israel did nothing but praise.

I’ve been feeling particularly powerless lately. Can you relate? I’ve wanted to fix it, to find some magic bullet, to post some wise words on social media that will make people to come to their senses, but I know it would be futile. However, there’s one thing I know to be true. It isn’t futile to set my eyes on God, to proclaim my utter dependence on Him and to make Him bigger than the multitude of problems I face— and that we face as a nation. I believe the outcome would have been far different for the people of Israel if they’d taken matters in their own hands. In fact, scripture is filled with examples of that happening. And I believe our outcome now depends on making a choice to invite Him to come and take over and to drop our prideful desire to control things.

Psalm 22:3 tells us that God inhabits the praises of his people. He shows up when we put our hope in him and elevate him above the obstacles we face, and our own flimsy, pride-laden solutions. Right now you may be at a crossroads. I know our country is at one, and we must make a decision. God’s people can act like the world by seeking to control the situation, or we can confess just how weak and powerless we are. Rather than trying to control things, we can invite the One who perfects his strength in our weakness to take over (2 Cor. 12:9). He is our only hope. Will you join me in praying that He will come and help us now?

Mighty God, things are spinning out of control! It’s really scary right now and we don’t know what to do! All our efforts have amounted to nothing, and without you we are sunk! But we choose not to allow circumstances to define or control us. Rather, we choose to shift our attention to you to give you all the glory and praise. You are worthy and you weave all things together for your good purposes (and for ours) as we seek you first (Matthew 6:33, Romans 8:28-29). We need you desperately!

Father, I confess that I’ve been seeking answers more than you. I’ve been making the problems bigger than you, and I’ve been acting like I actually have the power to do something about them. Without you, I can do nothing. I have no power Lord— only You do and I ask You to take over. I relinquish any desire to fix or control it. Only you God can save me. Only you can save this nation. We praise you because of who you are. We worship you, because you are worthy. You are far more worthy to take up space in our minds than all the strife and trouble we are seeing. We praise you because nothing is impossible for you! We praise you because you cared enough about this broken world to come down and be broken on our behalf. Thank you! Come and inhabit our praises Lord and route our enemies and we look to you. Amen

Note: Since someone asked this does not mean we sit back and do nothing, or that we don’t vote. It simply means our first course of action is to look to him and allow him to direct us (notice the Israelites still marched out to battle). It means we make him bigger than all the problems and trust him whatever happens. We don’t have to live in fear. Genuine faith is accompanied by action.

How Twisting Words Destroys Relationships

In the last 5-10 years I’ve seen this happening not only in individual relationships, but on a societal level. Our nation has become so divided as we automatically assume evil motives on the part of anyone who disagrees with us. On social media people judge and condemn one another for simply having different opinions. Yesterday we posted an article about how difficult it is for some victims of abuse to wear face masks during this epidemic requires, but on social media, people are posting that anyone who fails to wear a mask is selfish and even murderous. Surely, we can do better as a society. I was raised to always see both sides of the story and to empathize with others, but that ability seems to be disappearing in 21st century America. I pray that as a people we will learn to stop jumping to conclusions and judging people who happen to think differently. It’s not healthy for relationships and it’s certainly not healthy for our country.

JoyfulSurrender.com

Anyone who’s lived with abuse knows what it’s like to have their words distorted, to be accused of thinking things they weren’t even thinking. In counseling we call it assigning motives. This happens when one partner starts judging the other’s intentions. So many times my abuser accused me of having evil intentions towards him when nothing could have been further from the truth. Generally, I put his interests far above my own, but he always saw my intentions as evil. This twisting of words and distortion of intentions kills relationships, and those who face it have little power to change things.

Uniformed people helpers tell us that if we would just win them over with a quiet and gentle spirit or bless them enough, they’ll come around. Nothing could be further from the truth. They don’t understand the dynamics of abuse, but apparently the writer of this psalm did…

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Deadly Counseling

I’m so grateful that our churches seem to be waking up and responding better to domestic abuse these days. But for every church we see working on getting educated we see many more still resorting to counsel like this. Please continue to pray with us that our churches will wake up and show God’s love and hope to those who are oppressed.

JoyfulSurrender.com

A few weeks ago I posted a simple question to survivors of domestic violence in a few online forums. The question was, ” Could you shareexamples of bad counsel you’ve received from churches and counselors?” In less than an hour I had over 50 responses. Below arejust some the answers I received.

• Pray more, have more sex, ask God to show you what you’re doing to make him so angry.
• “Read this book on how to be a better wife.” “Just stop pushing his buttons; you know what they are.”
• You need to treat your husband like he has special needs. Step back from things so you can give him your full attention.
• “He never meant you any harm. Just trust God- don’t fight for anything in the divorce settlement. You are bitter- you need to forgive him.
• ” Well, I don’t think he was TRYING to kill you…

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he makes all things new

Sometimes when we’ve suffered, we start to believe we will never overcome, but as you begin this new year (this new decade) my prayer for you is that you will find God’s goodness in the midst of your pain. He will make all things beautiful in his time and he will redeem what you have suffered. This excerpt from my book describes how his redemption looked in my life. As we enter 2020, I pray you will know him and his goodness as never before, and that he will make all things new for you. 💗 Joy

“Even though I would have never chosen to suffer as I did, I came to realize that suffering had done something beautiful in my life. Before, I said I trusted God, but I lived in constant fear. After my trials brought me to the end of every human resource, I found Him to be entirely trustworthy and was able to joyfully surrender my life to His loving care. I often tell people I would never have chosen that path of suffering, but I am so grateful for it, because if I hadn’t experienced it, I wouldn’t know Him the way I do now. Nothing in this world is more precious than knowing Him! The more I came to know Him and His truth, the freer I became. Over time, it felt as though I had been released from prison!

Along with my newfound freedom, I had the assurance of God’s presence and provision. Isaiah 54: 6, in which the Lord promised to be a husband to His people, became especially precious to me. As I learned to trust Him fully, He proved to be truly wonderful and faithful. In time, I realized that rather than being a victim for the rest of my life, I had become victorious, and God wanted to use my experience for good.”

From Called to Peace: A Survivor’s Guide to Finding Peace & Healing After Domestic Abuse by Joy Forrest

Facing Loss at Christmas

There are so many of you who will not have a merry Christmas this year. I’ve certainly been there. The holidays just seem to amplify all the losses we’ve experienced. Some of you may have to spend Christmas alone while your children spend the day with someone who promised to love, honor and cherish you till death, and then chose to do the opposite. Maybe a loved entered eternity and left you behind this year. Whatever your loss, I know it’s so hard! You might feel more alone than you’ve ever felt before.

Dear friend, you are not alone! Our God took on flesh and came to earth to restore relationship with his creation. He suffered horrendous abuse and rejection. He faced a barbaric death alone, so he understands what you are going through. Just imagine it! The ruler of the universe chose to enter our pain! Such amazing love will never let you go. He is the Prince of Peace, and while peace might seem elusive to you right now, he gives peace that passes human understanding. Our Prince of Peace fills us with his Spirit. He is a Comforter to our broken hearts, a Counselor to our troubled minds and he is wonderful in the midst of terrible.

Whatever pain you are facing this season, bring it to Him. Pour your heart out to him and praise him for what he has done on your behalf. Thank him for sharing in your suffering. There is so much power in making him bigger than your problems. He will give you peace in the midst of turmoil, and you might even find joy! We can rejoice in knowing that he is with us whatever we face. We also know he will redeem our suffering. If we shift our focus from our pain to Him, we will find victory in the midst of loss.

Looking back on my life, I realize some of the most precious moments were those I spent grieving in His arms and declaring his promises— in spite of the pain. Somewhere in the midst of it all I came to know him in a way I never could have imagined. He became my everything, and I found that he was enough. If you find yourself struggling this Christmas because of losses, I pray that you will cling to Him and find peace and joy that transcends this world. 💗 Joy

Beautifully Broken

When I look at Scripture, I love that it is so honest, and filled with accounts of broken people that God somehow managed to use. From Abraham and Jacob, to Moses, David, and Elijah, the Bible is filled with stories of heroes of the faith who messed up in some very big ways or suffered some very painful circumstances. Yet, in spite of their faults, sins and traumas, God wove them into His eternal narrative of redemption. God called David (an adulterer, murderer and neglectful father) a man after His own heart. Jesus used Peter (a man who cursed and denied him 3 times) to powerfully help establish the early church. And let’s not forget women like Rahab the harlot and Mary Magdalene who both overcame broken pasts to further His kingdom.

I’ve worked with many shattered lives over the past twenty years, and I’ve certainly walked my own broken path. In fact, once when I was speaking at a conference the leaders of the event pulled me aside to let me know that in the next session, I should tell the ladies that I missed God’s best plan for my life. Surely God couldn’t be in a messy divorce and such. At the time, I did as they asked, because I knew I had certainly missed God’s ideal plan for marriage, and it seemed I’d missed His calling into ministry at an early age. Yet, somehow in God’s economy my broken path has been used for ministry. Just a few years after that conference Called to Peace Ministries was born, and its mission to those who have experienced the ultimate betrayal of abuse has flourished beyond what I would have ever expected.

Even before the inception of Called to Peace, I found that in my counseling and teaching ministries my past experiences were a great source of encouragement to people. When I think about it now, I realize that my brokenness gave me a gift I never would have known if my life had been trouble-free. It was when I lost everything that I came to know God in a way I never could have imagined before. When my abuser destroyed the furniture I inherited and threw my personal belongings into a large dumpster, Jesus was there sharing in my suffering. My pride was shattered. My will was broken, and I felt about as worthless as the trash that surrounded me. Before that day, I had always tried to maintain some sort of control over my life, but suddenly I recognized that was no longer possible. It really hadn’t been before, but I had been able to fool myself into believing it was until that day when it all unraveled before my very eyes.

It was nearly dusk when I climbed down into the rubbish that day. I saw so many of my precious belongings strewn over mounds of garbage. Ink had been poured over my most expensive clothes that lay on top of the pile. It seemed as if every personal item I owned was in that dumpster. Some trash bags contained my things; others just had garbage, and I had to open them to find out which was which. Before long I was thigh deep in dirty diapers and rotten food, and suddenly my husband was back and yelling at the men helping me. He ordered them to stop taking my things out and told them that he was burning all the furniture at home. It was getting dark outside, so I turned off my flashlight and prayed that he would not see me. He didn’t but began throwing items back into the dumpster. First, he threw a lamp that barely missed my head, and then a large bag that knocked me over into the debris below. I just sat there and prayed until he left.

“As I stood up, I found myself saying, “Lord, nobody has ever been through this before! Nobody knows what I’m going through!” As soon as I uttered those words, something amazing happened. His supernatural peace flooded my soul. In my spirit, I could hear Somebody gently saying, “I have. I know.” God was with me, and everything on earth faded in His presence. There are no words that can adequately describe what happened to me that day, as I had a revelation of His love unlike anything I had ever experienced. He knew the betrayal I was suffering. He had been betrayed by an intimate friend and was beaten and shamed by those He loved. Although I had known Him for over twenty years, I had never experienced the depths of His love like I did at that moment. He had endured the cross because he knew sin would cause me to suffer, and He chose to share in my suffering. In the darkest moment of my life, His amazing light came shining through.

I often tell people that that day was both the worst and best of my life, because my eyes were opened wider to the depths of His great love for me. Paul’s words seemed to sum up my feelings perfectly; “I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ” (Phil. 3:8). I never would have chosen the suffering I was experiencing, but Jesus chose to endure something far worse, because of His great love for me. The thought was overwhelming. I stood in the dumpster and thanked Him for His amazing love, and I knew that a God who loved me that much would never let me go. I determined that I would not let go of Him either.”[i]

Friend, our God doesn’t stand off from a distance watching as we suffer, but He enters the brokenness with us, and when He does it is life changing. At this point, I have worked with over a thousand survivors of domestic abuse, and I can tell you that without a doubt God is a redeemer. As much as He hates violence and cruelty, He manages to weave it together to achieve His good purposes for us. I’ve seen it hundreds of times over with those who choose to believe Him in the midst of their pain.

These days, when I think back on the statement I was asked to make about missing God’s best for my life, I realize that the exact opposite has been true. Only in brokenness was I made whole, and only in great loss did I truly recognize my desperate need that only He could fill. Whatever it is you are facing today dear friend; I know He will do the same for you. As you yield your brokenness to Him, He will do what only He can. He will turn ashes into beauty and mourning into joy. He is good, even in the midst of horrible circumstances. Today, my prayer for you is that you will choose to receive the peace He offers in the midst of suffering, and that you will know the beauty of finding Him in the face of great brokenness.  

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[i] Forrest, Joy. Called to Peace: A Survivor’s Guide to Finding Peace and Healing After Domestic Abuse. Blue Ink Press, 2018 (35-36).

shining Through the darkness

As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?  (Ps. 42:1-2)

Oh Lord, You are my greatest longing! Your goodness and love overwhelm me day by day, and yet I struggle to keep my eyes on the Lover of my soul. Forgive my scattered mind and divided heart. Help me to soar above the distractions of life. I know You are always with me, but I am not always listening to your voice. Forgive me. Make my ears ever sensitive to hear. I know You put people in my path for a reason, so help me to seek your purposes rather than my own in every conversation and interaction.

Let me show the world the same love and grace You have shown me. I can’t imagine a life without You—it would not be life at all! You have transformed my life—transferred me from the darkness and brought me into your marvelous light (Col.1:13). You have held me in times of despair and traded your strength for my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). I bring you nothing, and You give me everything (Rom. 8:32). I wasted so many years knowing You from a distance. I gave you lip service, but did not surrender all, and You allowed me to reap what I had sown. Yet, You were also merciful! You met me in my misery. Thank You!

There just aren’t words… I owe You all that I am, and that is certainly nothing compared to what You have given me. I ask You to let me live with passion—don’t let this dreary world obscure the amazing beauty You pour on me daily. “For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2: Cor. 4:6-7).  Thank You that You can use this cracked jar of clay. The cracks from damage of life can be made beautiful for your kingdom. I think about that carved clay candle holder I bought in Costa Rica. It’s nice enough unlit, but when the light shines through it is captivating. It’s the light that makes it, and the same is true with me. Please help me to shine for You. Amen

Dear Child, you are mine. I have called you by name and love you with an everlasting love (Is. 43:1, Jer. 31:3). Share my love with others. You can be confident that I have heard your prayer, and because you are praying according to my will, I will answer (1 Jn. 5:14-15). I delight in those who desire to do my will, and I will bring you relief and peace as you continue to seek my face (Ps. 18:19). I have good plans for you, my child. Rest in that knowledge, and choose the “better” and eternal things as you go (Lk. 10:42, 2 Cor. 4:18). Seek my face more than anything else. You are seeking many things, and are easily distracted, but if you seek Me and my kingdom first, I will give you the other things you need and desire. Delight yourself in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart (Ps.37:4).

Running after earthly treasures is counterproductive. Even if you attain the things you seek, you will find no satisfaction if I am not first in your life. Think of that thirsty deer longing for a stream of water. His first priority is to find water, knows he will perish without it, and is not easily diverted on the way. You must understand that your need for me is even greater, so do not allow yourself to be distracted by things of lesser importance. I see your needs, and I will provide. Yes, you have responsibilities, but if you seek Me first, I will order your day in a way that makes it easier to fulfill them. Come to the waters; drink deeply before you embark on your day. I stand ready to help you and empower you. I desire to shine through you, and will surely do it as you seek Me with all your heart.

Trusting God In Hard Times

Victory over fear is far more than just the absence of anxiety and dread; it is confidence in God’s goodness towards us even in the midst of trying circumstances. Psalm 27:10 has long been a favorite verse of mine. “Though my father and mother [or husband!] forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” When I fear because people fail me, I can trust that He will not. 1 John 4:18 says that perfect love drives out fear. It took me a while to grasp that, but now it gives my heart great confidence. I know that He loves me, and promises to work “all things” together for my good (Rom. 8:28), so I don’t have to freak out when bad things happen. I can remain confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living! No matter what happens (even a full-scale war against me!), my heart can be confident and reject fear. So yes, I am loaded with confidence; it’s just not in myself.

The world teaches us that if we believe in ourselves we can do anything, but I have to say that my self-confidence levels are really not that high. I’ve lived with myself long enough to know that I can utterly blow it in the blink of an eye. Outside of the grace and Spirit of God I don’t trust myself, and I know that without confidence in his great love for me, I would be crippled by fear and anxiety. Even after I became a believer, fear was a constant struggle for me until God graciously used some trying circumstances in my life, and his Word, to help me overcome it. (Click here to learn more.)

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against, even then I will be confident. (Ps.27:3) I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13)

In this psalm David (who spent years running from an abusive father in law) reminds himself to seek God’s face. That is his response to fearful events, and as he turns to God his fears begin to melt. He reminds himself that the Lord has been his helper, and then boldly proclaims he will never be forsaken. Knowing God’s goodness, and getting into his presence will dispel fear. There is nothing that can shake us when we are hiding in the shadow of his wing. When I am afraid, I close my eyes and imagine myself climbing up into my Heavenly Father’s lap and listen as he sings over me (Zep. 3:17). I think of the many times I held and sang over my own children and grandchildren when they were upset or afraid. As soon as they stopped struggling, rest and peace came. I chose to be still and know that he is God. He is bigger than all my troubles combined, and I can have confidence in him as I rest in his love.

Lord God, I praise you for your great love! I am so honored to be your child. That the sovereign Lord, creator of heaven and earth, cares enough to quiet me with his love is simply amazing. Today I choose not to strive, but to rest as you hold me and give me confidence to face the day. Life in this world is just hard sometimes, but you are so good, and you have overcome the world for us. Bless your holy name! I love you, and I rest in your love today. Amen

My Story

I love my friend Terri’s story. She is a testimony of God’s redemption and ability to turn ashes into beauty.

Diary of a Quadriplegic

I wrote this essay to be included and a friend’s book.

I became a Christian in 1989 when I was 25 years old. I had never read the Bible and had no idea I could have a personal, life-changing relationship with God. Prior to my conversion, I had been an alcoholic for 10 years. I started drinking when I was 15, and by high school, I was drinking in the mornings. I remember I was always desperate for the drink. It’s all I ever thought about and the only thing I craved. My life was miserable. I felt so alone, so lost and so hopeless. I just assumed my life would always be that dismal. I knew something was missing.

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IS THIS REALLY A MESSAGE FROM GOD?

(Please read to the end. The intention of this post is not self-defense).

From time to time on this blog, I write posts that are written from ”God’s voice” as I imagine he would speak to my heart. I’ve had a few people unfollow and tell me that this is apostasy, and dabbling in new age practices. So, I’d like to set the record straight. I am a writer. In poetry and prose we often write from another person’s perspective. I am in no way asserting that these writings are equivalent to or authoritative like scripture. However, I believe that God gives us imaginations for a reason, and not all imagining is evil as some seem to think. I am sure God is pleased when we stop to meditate on his goodness, and even when we imagine how he might respond to the struggles we are facing.

We are to set our minds on things above and I’d say that is exactly what this is. Sadly, most of us tend to imagine things like “What am I going to do? This situation is impossible! “I don’t see a way out of this.” “What if God doesn’t come through?” Or even— “If I be still and open my mind to His Spirit, I am opening myself up to the demonic.” I find it very sad that children of God worry that when they ask their Father for a fish, he will give them a snake. (Luke 11:11) In my opinion, imaginations like these are far more damaging than imagining that he is on our side or that he keeps his promises.

Scripture tells us that God has given us his Holy Spirit, and that he speaks to his people in a still small voice. Jesus said his sheep know his voice (John 10:27). There have been several occasions when thoughts came into my mind to pray for or call someone, or even go do something for them. Many of these times I found that they were facing serious issues at that exact time. A few times listening to that still small voice has made a HUGE difference in my life, and the lives of those I love, as I acted on those promptings. We need to be sensitive to his voice. He gave us his Spirit to help us through this life, and even to help us understand scripture. The Word without the Spirit is lifeless and powerless. In our work with victims of abuse we find that those who deny his work in our lives are the very ones who use scripture as a weapon. For them it is no longer the living, active, God-breathed word of God, but instead a set of rules. The letter of the law kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Cor. 3:6)

So if you’re following this blog and find these posts offensive, please feel free to stop following. It grieves my heart– not because we’ve lost a follower, but because your view of God is so small, and that you are missing all he has for his children. He offers us intimate fellowship, and that includes two way communication with Him. Yes, scripture is the ultimate authority, and the vast majority of the time he will speak through his word (and quicken it to our minds as we meditate on Him– maybe even as we imagine). He will never say anything to contradict it, but I believe it pleases him when we take time to dwell on his promises and his goodness. What would he say to you about that awful situation you’re facing? I believe if you get quiet and meditate on his word, you will find he has a beautiful message for you. 💗Joy

“Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.” John 8:47

I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.” John 16:12-15.

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

Is it Abuse? Part 3: Coercion, Threats, Using the Children & Intimidation

One of the most common ways abusers control their victims is through coercion and threats. In the years I have worked with victims of domestic violence, nearly all of them have confirmed that these behaviors were used regularly in their homes. Some abusers threatened to leave their families and not provide for their basic needs, some threatened suicide in order to make sure they got their way, some threatened physical harm, and others just threatened to humiliate their partners somehow. In several cases, I’ve seen abusers go out of their way to make their wives look incompetent.

After years of living with control and manipulation, my friend Jill became seriously depressed, and ended up taking antidepressants. Her husband made sure he let the pastor know how concerned he was about his wife’s erratic behavior, her “inability to parent properly,” and her “dependence on medication.” Of course, the church had no idea of what really went on behind closed doors, and Jill knew better than try to tell them. At the same time, Jill’s husband made sure she knew that if she decided to leave the marriage, he would have no trouble having her declared incompetent and getting full custody of the children. For Jill this threat was far more powerful than bodily injury ever could have been. Her husband’s threats were highly effective in promoting his selfish interests. Even though none of his claims were true, they were powerful enough to keep her in a miserable situation far longer than most people would have  stayed.

Using the Children

Abusive people generally aim their threats directly at whatever their victims value most, so that means threats involving children are very common in these situations. In fact, many women stay in horrible relationships far too long, because they know if they leave their spouses may hurt the children somehow if they leave. Such was the case with my friend Bethany. She had endured unending criticism and relentless threats from the beginning of her marriage. Her husband was well educated and powerful, and had won full custody of his children after divorcing his first two wives.  He was quick let Bethany know that if she ever tried to leave him he would have no problem doing the same again.

He constantly bullied and belittled her, and unfortunately  she sometimes lost her temper. During these times he secretly recorded her outbursts to use as evidence if he ever needed it for court. One day she got up the nerve to threaten divorce, but he merely laughed at her and assured her he had enough evidence to make sure she never saw the children again. In the meantime, his cruelty was also aimed at the children. In fact, I ended up reporting it to Child Protective Services, but even then he ended up coming out their investigation looking good. In the long run, Bethany is still in a terrible situation, because she believes that at least if she stays she can serve as a buffer between her husband and her children. Sadly the older son has become abusive to his mother just like his dad is, but the fear of losing him keeps Bethany paralyzed and afraid to leave.

Unfortunately, Bethany’s story is not an exception when it comes to domestic violence. In my own limited exposure, I have seen abusers intentionally use and misuse their children multiple times in order to punish their mothers. It is not unusual for them to attempt to turn the children against their mothers. Basically abusers will do whatever they consider necessary to maintain control, regardless of the consequences to the children. I have seen women frozen in fear, because of these types of threats, but those who decide to leave usually tell me they made the right decision. Living in fear of a man will never lead to the life God intends for you. Ask Him to help you devise a plan to leave, and be sure to utilize all the resources available to you. Your local domestic violence shelter can help you devise a safety plan, and connect you to legal resources to help you with custody issues. Be sure to find a way to document the abuse that is occuring, and keep a copy of your documentation with a trusted friend or advocate.

Intimidation

Besides using their children to hurt their wives, abusers make regular use of intimidation techniques to instill fear and attain unfettered power in their families. Intimidation can range from a harsh look to extreme physical violence. Most abusive people have conditioned their victims to know when they are about to snap. As a result, a single angry glance can cause wives and children to freeze up or change their course of action. If a nasty look doesn’t get the desired result, or if the abuser is feeling particularly grumpy, he may resort to more physical tactics such as throwing and smashing things, destroying her property, or even abusing the household pets. When I was working in our local domestic violence program, one of the clients told me that her husband killed her dog in front of her and the children, and countless other victims told me that their family pets often received the brunt of the abuser’s wrath. One lady told me that her husband filled her car with poisonous snakes to make sure she didn’t go anywhere. These were more extreme cases, but less dramatic measures are still highly effective.

Intimidation usually escalates in intensity over time, and if the abuser does not feel his demands are being met. Some of the behaviors often seen in the progression of violence include: blocking her exit from a room, punching walls and throwing things, screaming, and raising a fist. If an abuser still feels he is not in control, he may resort to more physical measures like grabbing, shoving, kicking, hitting and worse. An interesting thing to note here is that, even when hitting occurs, many abusers, in an effort to keep the abuse hidden, maintain enough control over themselves to make sure they hurt their victims in way that doesn’t leave obvious bruises. Most of us who live with severe intimidation convince ourselves that our partners are out of control when they use anger to intimidate us, but that is most often not the case. For the overwhelming majority of those who use control and violence, it is a choice. We’ll talk about that more in future posts.

Part 3 in a Series. Today’s post covered three of the 8 tactics abusers use as listed on the Power and Control Wheel. For more on the Wheel, see my previous posts.

Could God Ever Use Me?

There are days when I still have to remind myself of the truths he’s taught me, and this particular lesson is one I have to revisit often. It never ceases to amaze me that God can show up so mightily in the midst of human frailty.

JoyfulSurrender.com

“Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.” The LORD turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” Judges 6:13-15

I love that scripture is filled with weak and reluctant heroes of the faith. I love it, because I know how feeble and hesitant I am. People often tell me they think I am so strong for…

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When Self-Pity Becomes Toxic

I see this so often. People who are consumed with self-pity hurt others and destroy relationships. In this life it’s almost impossible to avoid suffering, but the way we respond is everything, I’ll end this with a quote from my recent workbook. “There’s no subtle way to say it. If you don’t find healing after your abusive relationship, there’s a good chance you could end up with some negative repercussions. You may find yourself moving on to another abusive relationship. You could end up suffering from severe depression or anxiety, or worst of all, you might find yourself chronically angry—perhaps even abusive yourself. ”

JoyfulSurrender.com

I must admit that, in the course of my life, I have had more than my fair share of pity parties. Life has not always been easy, and people have not always been kind. I could say that nearly everyone in my life has let me down at one time or the other. Clearly, I have had plenty of good reasons to feel sorry for myself, and on many occasions I have done just that. In fact, I spent several years doing it so much that I slipped in and out of depression on a regular basis. I even became suicidal a few times, but thankfully God intervened in my life, and I found a way to escape the negative thoughts and feelings that consumed me. Jesus said the truth will set you free, and that is what happened. I realized that my feelings were contrary to truths in his…

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