Tag Archives: domestic abuse and the church

With an Abuser, Nothing is Off Limits

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October), I asked the ladies in our online group to share their stories and the challenges and difficulties they faced while in their abusive situations. Here’ the first in a series. Many thanks to this dear woman for taking the time to write this. Please pray for her and the dozens of other women we minister to daily. 
Living in abuse presents many difficulties. As a Christian, of course you want peace in your home. You want your husband to love you. You want a good marriage. You read all the books you can find and they usually say “don’t look at your spouse, when you change, everything will get better”. So, you go to God over and over and pray that he will show you all your sin and failure so you can change. They say things like “men need respect.” What does respect look like? Well, you don’t yell, you don’t call names, you don’t roll your eyes, you don’t disregard his feelings, and you do what is important to him. You do these things, but shouldn’t he also respect you?
We hear from the pulpit things like “wives, you control the atmosphere in your home.”
That basically puts the behavior of both the husband and wife on the wife. Truly the abused wife has to bear the weight of everything. We not only have to constantly walk on eggshells (watch his eyes, the corner of his mouth, hands, posture, tone etc.) for our safety, but we have to endure being put down over and over and over. Our bodies are shamed, our abilities are not just criticized, but SLAMMED. We get called horrible names over and over– screamed at, yelled at, things thrown at us, spit at, and physically hurt and so much more. We are worn out and hurting.
We do such a great job of covering our husbands’ sins that people tell us often how amazing our husbands are, and because we have anxiety they feel bad for him. The church says our husbands behavior is our fault. Our husband says his behavior is our fault. Our job is to protect our abuser, protect our kids, and have a good testimony which means “don’t make your husband look bad.”
With an abuser, nothing is off limits. They have one goal and its to destroy you as a human being. No one can really understand the weight that is on us unless you have been through it. In my situation I am just about 50 years old. I have been a full time homemaker for all of our 30 year marriage. When I got sick and was not as useful any more, he became a monster. He would do terrible things, play horrible mind games and then stand there screaming, “Why cant I break you?” He used to threaten to get me locked up in a mental hospital and he would laugh at how funny it would be. He also wanted me dead, but for whatever reason, God not only kept my mind sound he also kept me alive.
In regards to difficulties, I am 49, I have no education, I now have health issues that would keep me from working, but I don’t collect disability. My husband decided now would be a great time to divorce me. He says since I am old now and no one would ever want me, I will be forced to live on the street and beg for food, which apparently would bring him pleasure. I deal with shame on a daily basis. Shame because I have loved God and loved my husband, but I have nothing to show for it– look at my life. Shame because I am not healthy, so I am forced to ask others for help. My faith has been tested greatly because when you have a husband who is abusive and neglectful and throws you away like trash, and then you have a church support him and act like you must be the problem, you can start to feel like God’s against you. I pray for God to do a miracle and change my husband entirely. I pray for him to heal me from all the abuse and heal our marriage, because it’s what I believe God promised me and I know God is more than able, but it would be miracle. Even in that I am judged.  The whole thing is exhausting, and I’m weary beyond words.