A Tale of Two Survivors: Junia &“Hannah”

Thanks to Lauren Rose for writing this account of two survivors. One story is incredibly sad– the other incredibly hopeful. The outcomes are directly tied to the way the responses they precious women got when they reached out to their churches for help. It boggles the mind to hear a story like Junia’s, but it is still far too common. My prayer is that God will use these stories to help awaken His people to minister more effectively to those suffering through the oppression of domestic abuse.

A Tale of Two Survivors, As told by Junia and “Hannah,” written by Lauren Rose

Both Junia and “Hannah” found themselves in authoritarian organizations (Sovereign Grace Ministries “SGM” and Institute in Basic Life Principles “IBLP”) that used their desire to honor God as a tool to groom them for domestic abuse. Both organizations have now been exposed for their horrific teachings that resulted in the cover-up of an extraordinary amount of abuse.

How did they overcome, what role did the church play in their journeys, and where are they now? 

“Hannah” and Junia both passionately loved Jesus. They were both missionaries as singles. Junia and Hannah met their husbands in the organizations mentioned above, and they both committed to controlled courtship as promoted by these organizations. They eventually found themselves trapped in abusive marriages and unsure how to label and define what they were experiencing. After all, the theology they had been taught had groomed them not to recognize their husbands’ treatment of them as abuse.

Junia recounts, “I dated my soon-to-be husband for five weeks and was engaged for five months. I felt pressure to get married because I was 29 and considered SUPER old. I saw red flags, but once you’re engaged in SGM you’re basically married and can’t back out. I remember wondering what I was getting myself into on my wedding day but feeling like I would end up single and alone if I didn’t take the “opportunity” in front of me. Because being single in SGM makes you less than human, especially past 30.”

Hannah shares, “I had only spent a few meetings (ranging from a day to a few days) with my soon-to-be husband before we were engaged. I felt outward pressure from the organization’s teachings to get married because I couldn’t be single and on my own. I had to guard my heart and always be under a man’s authority to be safe.

Once engaged, the extreme uneasiness continued, but I didn’t know how to back out. I didn’t know how to make my own major decisions or follow my intuition. I had been suppressing my intuition for years to deny what I saw in the leader of the organization (IBLP Bill Gothard) I had worked for. All I knew was I had to be under authority to be safe, so the safest thing in my mind when I felt confusion was to deny what I felt and get under the authority of a man.”

Elements of Abuse in Their Marriages

Marriage for Junia and Hannah was centered around their husbands – keeping them happy and meeting their every need. Scripture was used to justify their manipulation, blame-shifting, and sexual coercion. Their husbands were to be king of the castle, and they were there to serve since Scripture was clear that, “They were created to be his helpmeet.” (Genesis 2:18)

At first, they both tried hard to make their husbands happy, but for both women, nothing they did could satisfy their husbands’ desire for control.

Both were miserably depressed from the oppression in their marriages. Yet, both were committed to honoring God, so they fought for their marriages, because after all, “God hates divorce.” (Mal. 2:16)

They read many marriage books to fix their marriages and be “a more submissive wife.” Both tried marriage counseling, weekly one-on-one meetings with the pastor and his wife, and individual counseling for themselves, but nothing seemed to make the marriage work. Marriage counseling made things even worse.

Then, on the quest to save their marriages, they both found counselors who recognized domestic abuse and encouraged them to set firm boundaries. Sadly, this led to increased abuse and eventually the need for separation for them. 

Both Junia and Hannah reached out to their churches. Junia found only silence and blame. Hannah found Called to Peace Ministries. 

This is where Junia and “Hannah’s” stories diverge dramatically. 

Junia’s church blamed her and told her to try harder at being a better wife. 

Her husband finally agreed to try a different church but only because of a theological disagreement with leadership. For the first year at the new church, Junia and her husband did marriage counseling with the pastor and his wife. It seemed to make things better but only because Junia did everything the pastor told her to and constantly started asking her husband for forgiveness to smooth things over. She spent the next year meeting weekly with the pastor’s wife, who continually told her she just needed to submit more and try harder while constantly telling Junia that leaving, even temporarily, was unbiblical. At the same time, her husband was supposed to be meeting with the pastor. The few times they did meet together, he would always come back saying the pastor said he’d changed enough, and I was just being unforgiving and bitter.

Finally, she researched shelters, packed up her three kids (ages 3, 5, and 7) in the minivan with whatever they could fit, and drove 10 hours to family. She went back to the church where she had initially met her husband, hoping she’d find a place of refuge. She had weekly meetings with the pastor, who said the church would help them with housing, fellowship, finding a job, childcare, etc.

“I was repeatedly told that I was expecting too much of the church when I would plead for help or ask why the things the pastor had promised never happened. In our final meeting, the pastor told me that my desire to advocate for others and for my husband to experience legal consequences for his sexual assault of me made him seriously doubt my salvation. Even though I thought the purpose of that meeting was to figure out how to help me since I was the closest to suicidal, I’d ever been since deciding to leave.” she states.

A few weeks after she and her kids moved back to this church, her ex moved back and started going to the church too. “The kids and I would go to church, and no one would talk to us. I would see the pastors and other people talking with him, inviting him to their houses for lunch, etc. A church family sold him a car for $10, while that week told me that I needed to stop relying on him so much financially after I’d asked him for a little extra money so the kids could buy a present for a friend’s birthday party.” Junia shares.

“After escaping, my kids and I spent three months in a shelter. We ended up moving six times in the first two years. I finally got a Section 8 housing voucher. But finding an apartment was almost impossible because even though the voucher paid the rent, my credit was horrible due to financial abuse. So, my applications kept being rejected. I finally found an apartment in a section of town where I had no interest in living. 

“During the last six years I’ve also had no close in-person relationships. There’s no one to call at 2 a.m. in an emergency. I can go months without having any physical contact with another adult. Before I started my business, I could go weeks without talking to another adult. 

I live with a chronic, low-level feeling of hopelessness due to the amount of isolation I’ve experienced for so long. I try not to think about it because it hurts too much, and I have to expend too much energy trying to stay out of extreme depression if I do. 

“And then there’s church. I’ve realized that even walking into a church feels like drowning in a pool of electrified water. The mental image I have is the congregation standing casually around on the pool deck, watching me being electrocuted and drowning at the same time. They do nothing but watch while standing there with their arms around my ex. I can’t go into a church without getting close to a panic attack. So, I just don’t.

My faith is in tatters. I’m not even sure I’m a Christian anymore. I’ve been unable to separate my view of God from the actions of people who say they follow him. At the least, the God I grew up believing in seems to have completely abandoned my children and me. I’m currently unable to read/listen to more than a few lines of Scripture at a time without starting to dissociate, especially if someone starts sermonizing about God being good,” Junia concludes.

In contrast, Hannah’s counselor put her in touch with Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM).

They immediately assigned her an advocate and church partner liaison and placed her in a support group. At the same time, Hannah also went into a heavy court battle with the former leader (Bill Gothard) of the organization she had worked for as he was trying to put a judgment on her and demand she recant everything she had said about him.

CTPM began working with her church, where she was in marriage counseling/accountability. Her church wanted to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse since they were concerned with what they saw along with her husband’s lack of repentance. Finally, Hannah decided she would escape but reached out to her church one last time for help. Her church got involved and helped her get to a place of safety.

All she had wanted to was honor God with her life and now her marriage was over, and she was facing court for speaking the truth God told her to. She felt God had forsaken her and had difficulty understanding that God loved her because her “life felt destroyed and was beyond painful for following ‘Biblical principles for success’,” as she was taught.

When my pastor said to me, ‘I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, this is not God’s heart towards you. We desire you to know there are men who do love God and desire to protect you. We, as a church, want to walk with you and protect you.’ 

“I had never experienced the love of God as I did at that moment. My heart immediately turned to God. I began pouring into the Psalms, and I could sense the mercy of God through my church being willing to help me get to a place of peace. I knew He was good and coming to rescue me,” Hannah states confidentially.

Her church kept its word and walked with her through all of it. They made sure she had safe housing and was provided for. They continually pointed her to the love of God, and the truth that abuse wasn’t His heart towards her. They prayed with her and were there to help when she called.

“My CTPM support group leader/advocate mentored me. She helped me find the love of Jesus in the aftermath of domestic abuse. Again and again, she demonstrated the heart of God towards me, which was nothing like my abusers, by pointing me to Scripture, the suffering of Christ, and how much He loved me. She pursued me when she knew I was struggling and kept telling me to cling to Him – that He was good and faithful. I trusted her when she said He was good because I had watched her advocate for me.

My faith in His love and care for me was restored. I clung to Him through the challenges of fleeing domestic abuse and facing my former cult leader in court, and I saw His faithfulness beyond what I could imagine, as they said I would.

“Today, I’m in a secure job and housing. My child sees God as someone who is there for her when she needs Him. She knows He answers prayers and works miracles. She recently walked forward to be baptized. Worship music and prayer are a huge part of our home. I know clinging to God is my only source of hope. He has done miracles for us and provided again and again. He gave me peace. I’m incredibly grateful for CTPM and my church, which pointed me to the love of God. Without them, I don’t think my child and I would be walking so closely with God today. 

“My heart is to help others find the same hope and healing I found in the heart of God after domestic abuse. I want them to truly know the love and faithfulness of Jesus who can heal and restore their hearts,” Hannah concludes.

When an email breaks your heart

I rarely watch the news. I’m sure lately it’s filled up with COVID-19 news and politics. I just don’t have time for that because there’s enough going on in my little part of the world. Every day, I receive e-mails here at Called to Peace and sometimes they just stop you in your tracks. There are days I just have to take a minute before responding because this is the news no one sees. The news that’s real and raw, a hidden, heartbreaking epidemic. Would you like to hear some of what I see every day? (edited for privacy)

“Do you offer any advice on how to be successfully and safely homeless?”

“I’m waiting to be accepted into a shelter, have no family, and my former church sided with my husband and won’t let me come back. Can you help?”

“I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve watched my friends pull away and been removed from ministry and learned it’s because he’s been spreading horrible rumors about me. I’ve tried to get help from the church and even a professional but no one believes me because ‘he’s so nice.’ I feel like I’m all alone. Can you help?”

“I am writing to you in the midst of a very difficult situation, as I had to leave my house with my little ones. The judge granted me a protective order, but not permission to live in the house, and so now we need a place to live. My husband already violated the DVPO and isn’t required to pay support. He doesn’t know where we are right now, but I am so afraid for my life. Can you help?”

“My husband and I are both in counseling at the church separately. His counselor thinks he’s doing great; he doesn’t understand what’s going on. I’m risking being kicked out of the church by separating but the worst thing is he’s got the kids believing he’s innocent and I’m breaking up the family. Can you help?”

These are only some of the e-mails from just one week. Just one week. If you are someone who could write an e-mail like this, I’d like to encourage you to contact us. In the meantime, let me respond to you the same way I did to these e-mails:

“I am so glad you reached out. This is so heartbreaking to hear. I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves to go through what you’re going through. You’re not crazy. Let me connect you with an advocate to help you navigate this difficult situation. We have support groups as well where you can meet other women going through similar situations. You are not alone.

Blessings,
Naomi Jubilee
Called to Peace Ministries”

Meet Pearl

A Survivor’s Journey from Patriarchy & Abuse to Freedom in Christ

Pearl was introduced to a very conservative homeschooling community in her late teens, where courtship and preparing for their highest calling; as a wife and mother were profoundly encouraged. She married under the courtship system. The abuse began very quickly after marriage; it was more subtle the first month. Pearl’s husband controlled all evening activities, who her friends were, and evening phone calls were forbidden so that she was available to meet his needs. She thought this was what marriage was to look like and followed blindly. Then, for the first time after a month of marriage, Pearl stood up for herself. When she kindly said no to a request, he called her a vile name and threatened to spank her because “she was a defiant and rebellious wife.” As time went on, the threats continued – she was so confused, and something felt so wrong in her marriage!

According to her husband and his reading of submission verses to her – everything was her fault. She began to read books on submission, one of them being, Created to Be His Helpmeet. It taught her that if she could do all the right things, adore/reverence, and make her husband’s life easy, the abuse would stop. She decided to follow the book’s advice, but the more submission she gave him, the more he demanded, and the more he exerted control. Nothing was working. Once, she adjusted the AC by two degrees to save money. When he noticed she had touched the AC, he came in screaming and yelling at her loudly about being an unsubmissive wife. He wouldn’t stop yelling, so she ran into a room and closed the door, but he busted open the door and accused her again of being a rebellious wife for locking the door. “How dare you be so unsubmissive?” he would exclaim. The yelling, name-calling, and verbal berating continued. Pearl knew the drill at
this point— this wasn’t the first time it had happened. He wanted to watch her break. He knew when she would break, and then he would stop – only after there was complete fear in her eyes, she was weeping uncontrollably and rendering submission to whatever he wanted.

Pearl tried bringing marriage counselors and mentors in to help with their marriage issues, stating, “My husband has a little anger problem but wants help.” Her husband would eventually refuse help from these mentors, saying he already knew how to be a good husband. Pearl continued to seek counsel. During her time in counseling, she began to recognize that she was in an abusive marriage. However, she didn’t believe divorce was an option and decided to fight for her marriage. They met with a marriage counselor, who mapped out a complete plan to heal their marriage and family. The program required sacrifice and commitment in her husband’s part; but he got upset and refused.

He also threatened to cut off the remaining social connections and any additional provision if she continued to attend counseling or tried to hold him accountable to the plan. She struggled with believing that maybe this was normal in a marriage, so after a threat, she asked a mentor and elder’s wife in her church if it was normal for a husband to threaten his wife physically when she didn’t comply to his wishes. The elder’s wife was appalled and took it to the church elders, who decided they would occasionally contact the husband to make sure things were okay; in their marriage. On the occasions when the elder checked in on Pearl’s husband, the elder was assured he was doing great.

A domestic violence advocate and friend learned of the things going on in Pearl’s marriage, and she informed Pearl that domestic violence is about power and control. “It is the internal belief that they have the right to maintain power and dominance over you out of entitlement, refusing accountability for themselves.” The advocate explained that physical violence happens when a man feels their threats and control tactics no longer work and told Pearl she was concerned physical abuse was going to happen soon, based on statistics. Then the first incident of physical harm happened when she asked him to please stop correcting her running form when they were running together (he was getting really angry). It was subtle but scary, and her husband always justified himself.

Pearl and her husband decided to change churches. This time she reached out to an elder in the church, and they set up a time to meet. The elder learned that Pearl wanted to save her marriage but wanted accountability and help for her husband. He decided to put them in marriage counseling at the church. Pearl’s husband dodged going at first,
but the church insisted. Then another physical assault happened and this time, it left a bruise. Pearl’s husband told the church, “She is overreacting – she bruises easily and gets bruises all over her body when she runs, so why does she get upset if I give her a little bruise?”  There was no repentance or remorse, but the church insisted on continuing the marriage counseling.

In the next two months, physical assaults continued when Pearl didn’t do as she was told, but her husband had an excuse and justification for every incident. By this point, her church elders were highly concerned and at a loss about what to do. One of her former counselors reached out to the church and recommended a domestic violence advocate from Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM). CTPM mentored the church elder, and eventually the elders began to see that the problem was more serious than a bad marriage. Soon after, they helped Pearl separate from her husband and kept her safe. The church became educated about domestic violence and what it looks like. The CTPM advocate met with them and answered their many questions as they continued to work with Pearl’s husband. They now have a domestic violence protocol and policy to protect other members of the church. Pearl found healing and redemption through counseling, CTPM support groups, and the support of a like-minded community. Before, she questioned her worth, but now she realizes that Jesus never asked her to submit to abuse and that he values this Pearl far more than any earthly treasure or institution.

A Look at What Called to Peace Ministries Accomplished in 2018!

I wanted to post an update on what our ministry accomplished in 2018. Be sure to check out our website and sign up for our newsletters if you aren’t already subscribed. We are so grateful for those of you who have a heart to help the oppressed and abused. Blessings, Joy

We are so grateful to each one of you who has supported CTPM us through your prayers, volunteer time and donations in 2018! Without you, our reach would have been far shorter, but because of individuals like you, this ministry grew exponentially last year. As you may remember we did not start our outreach efforts and support groups until March of 2017, but by the end of the year, 283 people had reached out to us for some type of help. From that number, we were able to provide direct assistance to 170 survivors and their children. This past year we received requests for help from 899 people and provided direct assistance to 475 individuals! 

While most who reached out to us were survivors of domestic abuse, 153 of those requests came from people helpers, and a dozen requests for help came from individuals who admitted to using abuse and control in their homes. Many of the requests received simply resulted in referrals to other agencies. However, we were able to provide individual counseling and advocacy to over 170 people (compared to 60 in 2017), emergency fund relief for 23 individuals, and direct consultation with 52 people helpers (counselors, pastors, and concerned friends or family members). Approximately 150 women participated in our online support group, and 70+ participated in our three local support groups.

Education is so important to us at CTPM because we know that a lack of knowledge in so many places (courts, churches, social service agencies, etc.) simply allows domestic violence to flourish. In 2018, we were able to provide education to about 600 people locally through our spring and fall conferences and speaking engagements in churches, seminaries and other venues. In addition, our online videos, podcasts and radio appearances reached thousands across the US, Great Britain and Australia. 
 

On a local level we were blessed to have nearly 50 volunteers provide hundreds of hours of support to our clients in 2018. In addition to helping with our two conferences, these volunteers accompanied clients to court, provided them with childcare, assisted them in moving, helped with minor household repairs, bought Christmas gifts for their children, helped them with transportation and offered multiple hours of moral support. 
 

In the midst of our very busy year, several new things happened. 1. We began a church advocacy program to help church leaders more effectively deal with domestic abuse cases in their congregations. 2. We had our first interns from Southeastern Baptist Seminary. 3. We introduced a new logo and new website. 4.Called to Peace: A Survivor Guide to Finding Peace and Healing After Domestic Abuse was published and has sold hundreds of copies throughout the nation and overseas. 5. We hired Priscilla Arthur as our part time Development Coordinator. 6. We partnered with House of Peace Publications to offer a faith-based advocacy training program. By the end of the year, over 90 people had requested more information on the courses. 7. We helped advocates in West Virginia and Indiana start support groups using our curriculum that will be published this coming May. 8. We enlisted the help of 12 local church leaders, including Dr. Danny Akin. president of Southeastern Baptist Seminary, to help promote domestic violence awareness month and our fall conference.

We are so thankful that you have chosen to partner with us to make our mission of providing life-changing care to victims of domestic abuse possible!Last year was only our second full year as a nonprofit, and honestly, we got too busy to even think about fundraising! Yet, you faithfully answered our online appeals. Your giving helped us bring in enough to meet our basic needs and to increase the limit on available emergency funds. Still, the needs are almost always beyond our ability to provide, and many times victims of abuse return to abusive marriages because of a lack of financial resources. At some point in the future, we would love to be able to provide transitional housing to help prevent this sort of scenario. We ask that you keep this concern, and the many others our clients face, in your prayers. We also ask that you continue to make those who are oppressed and abused a priority in your charitable giving by continuing to donate to CTPM.

This is the Face of Domestic Violence

Anonymous Guest Post

“You need to leave…go to another state…get out with the baby…don’t tell your husband…go…!” I heard urgency in her voice. It was my first counseling appointment with someone outside the church after over 3 years in an abusive marriage. It was November 2017. Suicide was in my thoughts. Were it not for my infant son, I think I would have acted on such thoughts.

I married in the fall of 2014. I had no idea I was in for a ride of the worst sort.

Literally the day after our wedding, the daily abuse began, to my utter shock and confusion. He’d been so committed, it had seemed, to the Lord during dating. He got baptized, was going to church, doing Bible study, reading the Word, and would pray with me at the end of each phone call. Now we were married and the battering began. It started with verbal abuse – swearing, yelling at me, and threats of divorcing me.

For career reasons, roughly 6 weeks after marrying, we moved to California. The drive together across the country was torture, and I was the target. One night on our drive, he was falling asleep at the wheel but refused to stop for a hotel despite my pleas. It was the first time I called 911. I feared for my life.

Once in California, we found a church and began marriage counseling. Two years of marriage counseling commenced with our pastor. The pastor gave some of the best, deepest expository sermons in church that I’d ever heard, so I respected him, and he was someone my husband was willing to attend counseling with, so I wanted to make it work – even when it meant submitting to things I disagreed with.

The pastor was one of the only people I told everything to, often texting him amidst “events” as they happened. He told me not to tell other people about my marriage, because that made my husband feel disrespected. He told me I was angry, too, like my husband, it’s just that I didn’t demonstrate it outwardly; I needed to work on my anger. I needed to serve, just not be a doormat (how does that work with an abuser who won’t honor boundaries?) He told me to say I was sorry to my husband, even if it wasn’t my fault, to regain peace. He told me to go back to my husband (after a brief separation, for example), and questioned me about calling the cops.

Once I called 911, about 6 months after marrying, to get police to just supervise my attempt to depart, since my husband was had grabbed both my wrists preventing me from leaving when I was trying to physically separate from his verbal attack. The pastor from then on questioned me, messing with my mind about engaging law enforcement aid in the future. “Why are you calling the cops? Has he physically hurt you? If not, why are you calling them? Your husband says he won’t physically hurt you.”

So, I stopped calling the cops. I greatly reduced my talking to others outside of the pastor and his wife.

About a year and half into counseling, my husband seemed to be changing – the abuse less daily and more infrequent. The pastor approved of our trying for a child. I got pregnant almost right away.

Once the baby came, it was not long, however, before the same violent man emerged with a new vengeance. Property damage to my stuff. Packing up with dramatic flair to “leave me.” Daily swearing in front of the baby. Yelling at the baby. Shaking the surface where the baby was sitting, causing the baby anxiety and fear.

And as a new mom, I was expected to still do it all – all the housework, help him search for jobs late at night, work full time at a high stress job, care for our son, iron his clothes, prepare his meals. And if my reading the Bible interfered with his plans, he tormented me enough that I could not read it in his presence. My marriage was a nightmare but I still didn’t understand why.

By November of last year, I started reaching out outside the church for help, and started to hear more than one counselor use the word “separate.” An in-home Christian nanny saw enough of the rising tensions to decide she wanted to inform me of something important: my husband was a narcissist. I found Leslie Vernick, and watched one of her webinars. That scared me, because I realized I was in the situation she was describing.

It was domestic violence and it had not been addressed as such. It was if a hidden, lurking monster suddenly loomed in front of me, saying, “Bahaha! You found me! I’m the root of all the confusion and chaos in your marriage!” Suddenly, the dots all connected and the weird seemingly unassociated behaviors made sense.

Fast forward to this summer, and between my son being older and some other logistical changes that made leaving more doable, an incident occurred with my husband that led to my separating back to the east coast.

It’s been nearly 8 weeks now. More clarity has come upon my departure. I understand how mind control and coercion are real. I could not even see the situation fully until I was out.

A pastor referred me to Called to Peace Ministries, who quickly connected me with a local domestic violence trained counselor. I found a local domestic violence organization and started receiving support. I applied for and was confirmed to receive welfare benefits. I wanted to cry showing up for charity food or sitting in the domestic violence building waiting for help. It’s been a low place, my place.

I went from working at a high paying job to leaning on charity and government programs. I was so ashamed, I didn’t want to tell friends or family I was back and why. It all seemed so surreal, so sudden, so unexpected. I hadn’t planned for it to really come to this. I always tried to keep believing the best, hoping the best, praying for my husband, forgiving and forgetting. But my husband wasn’t changing and leaving became necessary.

I’m still very much in the process of seeking stability in my situation, but for any out there in a similar spot, I want to encourage you with some things God has been ministering to me. First, he sees you – he sees the abused one. Just like Hagar who was cast out with her son. Sarah told Abraham to force her to leave, and God told Abraham to listen to Sarah. What?! God told Abraham to proceed? Yup. And sometimes the next step in God’s plan is not the one we wanted. But God showed up to Hagar in the wilderness as her provision ran out and she’d overnight become a single mom. He “heard the lad crying” and promised to also make her son a great nation. God took care of them when her earthly provision had come to an end. (Genesis 21:8-21)

And so God is doing for me, and will do for you as you wait upon Him. He’s encouraging me that my role is to rest in Him, trust Him, wait on Him (Psalm 37). Of course, I am to do my part to take actions to seek stability, but it’s up to Him to provide for my needs. He is – even albeit through unexpected means at times! – and He will do so for all who call upon and wait for Him.

How it All Began…

This week I was featured on my friend Chris Mole’s Peaceworks podcast. He interviewed me, and asked me to share my story of survival, as well as how Called to Peace Ministries got started. Click here to listen.

 

Caught in a Deadly Cycle

Guest blogpost by “Stephanie.”

I am 22 years old. I am going through a divorce from my first abusive marriage when I meet my second abuser. I have no clue what the next few years will be like. My mother is dying from cancer. My father has lost his job, and it’s all my parents can do to live off unemployment and pay the nearly $1 million in cancer bills for my mom’s care. I feel scared, worried, and very uncertain of the future. Mark comes into my life, and I feel like he brings stability in a time when I’m very vulnerable. He is quite a bit older than I am, and he works with me. He definitely knows all the right things to say, and in no time at all, he has swept me off my feet. Flowers, sweet notes, and he even programs my computer at work to have sweet messages pop up when I log in to my computer, as he is the software developer for the company I work for. This is it, I think. I have found the one! Within a year and a half, we get married.

It doesn’t take long for me to realize that Mark is a very jealous person. He bites and pinches me, saying that it’s just a joke, telling me he’s leaving his mark on me so people will know that I am his. The bites and pinches leave bruises, and people start asking me why my arms have black and blue marks all over them. My mother has since passed away, and, being adopted, I reach out to try and find the birth mother who gave me up.  It was my mom’s dying wish for me to find her since she knew that she wouldn’t be here for me. When I do find her, we have many phone conversations trying to catch up for the years lost. Mark gets very jealous, and he starts counting the minutes I spent on the phone with her, even though those minutes were spent on my 45 minute commute home from work and it doesn’t cost anything extra.  He also begins to count the number of text messages I send to her and other people, and compares the number of text messages on our phone bill to the number in my cell phone. He goes through my phone regularly, and when he notices the number of text does not match the number on the phone bill, he interrogates me. He has a drinking problem and it is very evident. Whenever I get home in the evenings, he is always drinking. He works five minutes from our home, and I work 45 minutes away, but he tells me that because his job is more stressful and because he brings in a higher income, the bulk of the cleaning and maintaining the house should belong to me.  I should be very grateful for him providing a six-figure income, he says. He goes behind me and wipes his finger on the furniture looking for dust and inspecting my work, after I clean, almost always telling me I need to do better. His punishment of choice when I do something he doesn’t like is the silent treatment.

He sits away from me and refuses to show any affection or love, and won’t communicate, but rather, sits there staring off into space. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough and trying to win his affection is the hardest thing I have ever done. There are no more flowers or kind notes or sweet words from when we were dating. No, it’s like pouring water down a rat hole trying to make this man happy. It’s a never ending struggle. Being a people pleaser, I try to keep the house spotless, but there are many nights I’m tired from driving 45 minutes each way to work, and I’m also expected to cook dinner most nights.  One of his rules is that there must be two vegetables cooked with every meal.  This is something, he says, his first wife would not do. He always talks about how fat and lazy she was and how terrible of a person she was. I later find out that none of this is true, as I talk to her myself. She is a cute, bubbly, very happy girl who has a lot to offer, and he tore her down.  He monitors how long I walk the dogs, and tells me it needs to be at least 2 miles a day. It’s never his responsibility though, it’s always put on me. He often spends time upstairs locked in the spare bedroom playing video games.  Eventually, I start finding evidence of pornography he has viewed, although he denies it and tells me it must have accidentally downloaded. I know better.  He tells his parents that I accused him of viewing pornography, and his father called me on the phone, telling me I need to apologize to him, that he would never do something like that, and then begins to blame me, saying I must’ve been the one that looked up those videos.  Over our marriage, I have noticed his father is very controlling and dominating over his mother, and his mother suffers from severe depression, and I think that is the main reason why.  The pornography makes me feel like I’m not good enough, as he must want to look at other women for fulfillment.

 When he drinks, Mark gets more and more belligerent and angry. And he drinks very frequently. One night, he starts verbally slamming my birth mother and telling me that eventually, I may have to choose between him and her.  His parents back him up on this, telling me that I may have to choose between him and my biological family. I try to stand up to him for once, and I tell him that if he’s going to be like that, maybe I need to leave for a while to sort things out. This is when he jumps out of his chair, lunges towards me, grabs my shoulders, and slams me up against one of the square columns in our big, beautiful, very expensive house. My spine hits the corner of the column as he shoves me against it and I can’t move. I am terrified as the wood digs into my back and spine and he grabs my arms with every bit of strength he can.  I finally manage to wiggle out of his grip, but he grabs me with both arms and is squeezing me so hard and in such an angry rage that he is shaking. I begin to suffocate, as he has my mouth and nose sealed off.  Finally, he lets me go, and I am hyperventilating and walking in circles. He tells me that I’m doing it for attention. I truly can’t help it, how I wish he would see that. He tells me that if I tell anyone anything about that night, he will divorce me. Not wanting to be alone, not wanting another failed marriage, I don’t tell anyone. The next morning, I wake up and go into the bathroom and see my body is covered in bruises.  It is almost summer, so I have to wear long sleeves to work to hide it. This isn’t what a marriage is supposed to be, is it? How could I have made the same mistake twice?  All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know that I have a lot to offer a partner. My parents taught me how to be a loving person, and although I’m not perfect, I want a happy marriage and to be in love and share my life with someone who loves me back. And, if I leave this one, who would possibly ever want me? Especially with me only being in my 20s.  What’s more, who would believe me anyway? He seems like the nicest guy you would ever meet to anyone who doesn’t live at home with us. He holds doors for old ladies, knows everything right to say, and seems very mild-mannered. No one knows the violence I live with at home.  I keep asking myself why he hurt me like he did. After all, when we first started dating, he actually had tears in his eyes when he told me he couldn’t believe the things my first husband did to me, and how he would never lay a hand on me. And now look at what has happened.  Shortly after this incident, Mark tells me he wants to buy a handgun. I keep wondering why he wants a gun, as he has never had one before. It frightens me.

 Not long after this incident, I finally get the courage to leave. Mark tells me that I need to pay him thousands of dollars, even though he has over $100,000 of his own in the bank. His reasoning is that there was a short time in the marriage when I did not work, and I need to reimburse him for, as he puts it, taking care of me. Not wanting to argue, I write him a check for the amount he asks, emptying my savings in the process. His parents hate me, and by this point, he has told everyone that I cheated on him, which I did not. He has made up things about me and made me feel so humiliated. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

 I’m 26 years old, and I have left my second abusive relationship. I don’t know it yet, but this is not the last abuser to come into my life.

Thanks to my dear friend “Stephanie” for sharing her story.  I’ve know her since her first abusive marriage was ending, and have seen the devastating effects of domestic violence on her life. But I also stand amazed at her resilient spirit. Please pray for her continued healing and restoration. 

Called to Peace Ministries Radio Interview 9/6/15

Recently, I was interviewed about Called to Peace Ministries on The Spirit of Business radio show on GospelisGolden.com. Please CLICK HERE TO LISTEN. Thanks to Sheyenne Kreamer for giving us the chance to share our vision to help families affected by domestic violence. #calledtopeace