Something New

It seems that God is doing something new in my life lately, and I have found myself at a loss as how to proceed. Even though I am not a very structured person, I still find myself wanting to do things the way I’ve been doing them for such a long time. Change is difficult for us. Even the most flexible of us create our own traditions, and breaking out of them is HARD. This passage from Mark seemed to be exactly what I needed to read today.

“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.” Mark 2:21-22

Jesus came and challenged everything the religious leaders valued. He questioned their way of doing things, and even their interpretation of the law. They constantly criticized him for violating the Sabbath, but he pointed them to the heart of the Law, rather than the letter of it (see Mk. 2:23-28). As Believers, I am sure most of us see ourselves as far more spiritually savvy than the Pharisees and Scribes, but I’m not so sure we are. We get used to our traditions, and begin to see treat them as though they are the very oracles of God.

In my own case, I’ve been doing good things–even spiritual things, but I’ve come to realize that I may have been focusing on things that were not my calling. So now, I find it difficult to figure out how to order my time. Should I continue to do the good things, or should I jump out in faith? God is calling me to take some huge steps of faith, but continuing on the path of least resistance is so much easier. The problem is that it’s not so much more blessed. I know that until I am obedient, I will not be able to walk in his best for my life. So today I’m making a choice to throw out the old wine skins. I reject my own “old” way of doing things, and choose to embrace the “something new”to which he is calling me.

How about you? Have you held on to your old ways for too long? Are you willing to walk in the newness of life he calls us to live? I know it can be hard, but it is the only path to blessing. So out with the old! In with the new!

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert. Is. 43:19

 

 

Is My Relationship Abusive? Part 1

One fine day, in the spring of 1995, I lied to a judge. This happened shortly after taking an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel even a twinge of guilt, because at the time, I didn’t believe I was lying. I testified to the judge that my marriage of 14 years had not been abusive at all. Rather, some recent stress had caused my husband to snap, and act completely out of character. It was a story I wholeheartedly embraced, because I had been telling it to myself for so many years. Up until that point, there had been numerous incidences of violence, but it didn’t happen on a regular basis. In fact, a few years were completely violence-free. Perhaps another reason I did not think I was abused was the image that I had conjured up in my mind about abuse victims. When I thought about domestic violence, the term that came to my mind was “battered,”, and I was certainly not battered. In the entire length of our relationship, he had never once punched me with his fists. Our rare physical altercations usually began with something like a shove or being jerked by the arm. Once I had my fingers slammed into a drawer and once I was kicked. Oh yes, and there was that time when he held a knife to my throat, but no I wasn’t battered.

Perhaps believing lies was my way of trying to convince myself that things really weren’t that bad, so when I finally did have to admit I had been in abusive relationship, I felt like a complete fool. I had always considered myself pretty bright, and facing the truth challenged that belief. Another thing the truth challenged was my idealistic concept of my husband’s opinion of me. I thought that my ability to elicit such great emotion from him meant that he truly loved me. It didn’t matter that his actions towards me were the exact opposite of the biblical description of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [i]

Whenever I came across this passage in my quiet times, I couldn’t help but notice that my husband’s actions towards me were most often the reverse. It didn’t take much for him to lose his patience with me, and within my first month of knowing him, jealously reared its ugly head several times. I can’t tell you how many times he embarrassed me in public by making rude comments towards others, the kids or me. I felt so vulnerable and unprotected when I was with him—certainly not protected. It was his way or no way, and lies were the foundation of our relationship. However, the most blatant contrast between godly love and my relationship was found in verse 5, which states that “love is not easily angered.” There were times when I couldn’t believe how seemingly insignificant details could enrage my husband, and over the years I’ve heard countless stories from other victims of abuse who suddenly found themselves the object of wrath when a small detail in the course of the day set off a reaction of atomic proportions.

One dear lady told me that she received a horrible beating simply because she left hamburger meat in the sink to thaw, another was belittled to the point of tears in front of her children because she failed to fold and stack her towels in the “correct” manner. Another relayed that her husband tore apart the entire house (throwing things against the walls, and clearing counters of their contents as he went through each room) after one of the children moved his hairbrush from its prescribed resting place in the bathroom. In recent years, a counselee told me that just leaving one cup in the kitchen sink would send her husband into a rage. I would call that being “easily angered,” and it took me years to realize that true love does not act that way.

Perhaps one reason victims tend to lie to themselves is because admitting the truth is almost more painful than the abuse. It means admitting that their husbands’ actions do not equate to love at all. So most convince themselves that wounds from the past (or mental illness, alcohol or drug dependency, etc.)  just make it harder for their husbands to deal with life, and that they don’t really choose those angry actions. I truly thought my husband was out of control when he blew up, and that I needed to try to hold things together so that he wouldn’t have a reason to lose it. I thought he needed me, and so I built my life around making things go as smoothly as possible for him. I realize this is probably contrary to the average stereotype about domestic violence. People who are unfamiliar with it, including many pastors and counselors, believe that domestic abuse is the result of heated arguments that could have been started by either party. Certainly no man would physically harm his wife unless she had done something to provoke him, right? It seems to be a logical conclusion, but the problem is, that in the vast majority of cases, it’s a faulty one.

Most abusive people are self-seeking, easily angered, impatient, along with all the other contradictions to God’s love listed in 1 Corinthians 13, and most victims have a hard time facing the fact that their abusers are choosing to treat them with contempt rather than love. In his book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft states that “An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside.”[ii] After working with victims and abusers for nearly two decades, I’d have to say that this assessment is spot-on. Unfortunately, it is not something that most victims would like to admit. It was so much easier for me to believe my husband was abusing me because he was wounded inside, or that he lacked coping skills, than to admit he was making a choice to hurt me. Coming to terms with the truth was almost too much to bear, so I lied to myself until the day somebody placed a tool called the Power and Control Wheel into my hands.

This is part one in a series.  

[i] 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, New International Version

[ii] Bancroft, Lundy, Why Does He do That? (New York, Berkley, 2002), 31.

Lord, don’t you care?

Good Morning Lord. Here I am sitting at your feet waiting to partake in the good part of life. Everything else is temporary, and yet too often I get a wrapped up in things that will not last. Help me to live for your eternal kingdom today by loving You and others first. There are many things that have to be done, but just help me to see life through your eyes, so I know what is truly important. When I put too much emphasis on circumstances, it can make me question your goodness. I think about the story of Martha and Mary.

Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)

I used to see myself as a Mary, and it’s true that I love You fervently! But nothing in this passage indicates that Martha didn’t love You just as much as Mary. The difference is that she let the demands of life take precedence over the eternal, and when circumstances became the most important thing, she suddenly questioned your goodness. “Lord, do You not care…?” is one of the most telling lines in scripture. It’s a question I used to ask all the time when things weren’t going my way. I would never go so far as to mouth the words, but each time something negative happened—when people didn’t meet my expectations, or when negative things happened, I would sure wonder whether or not you cared. Then the worst trial of my whole life happened, and in the midst of that I realized that You not only care, but You share in my suffering. You care immensely, but your agenda is so much greater than merely making my life pleasant. You have used suffering to teach me so much! I have found your goodness in the midst of extreme pain, but I had to choose to seek You rather than instant relief. In those dark times, sitting at your feet offered the only peace and comfort.

Now that life is a little easier, I find myself acting a lot more like Martha than Mary again. “To do” lists tend to run my day rather than your Spirit, and I find myself anxious and bothered about many things. I know it is possible to live in this world, but not be controlled by it, yet I seem stuck serving “urgent” demands rather than waiting on You. I know part of the answer is figuring out what is truly urgent, and the other part is making the decision to sit at your feet and tune everything else out at the beginning of each day. Some days my efforts are just pathetic. I’m like a horse raring to get out of the gate, and trying to look away for a minute to focus on something else. I have it backwards! The race I should be running is towards You, not life demands. I need to keep my eyes focused on You. “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:1-2).

Father, today I ask You to help me lay aside every weight, every urgent “to do” on my list, and run towards You. I know that is my calling. My relationship with You is the most important thing, “the good part,” that can’t be taken away. So help me focus on the eternal side of life rather than the temporary (2 Cor. 4:16-18). Thank You that I actually know there is a good, eternal part to life. I can’t imagine how people live without knowing there is more to life than things that pass away—it seems so futile and hopeless. What an awesome honor and privilege to understand there is more, and to be called your child! Yet I focus on the lesser things in spite of what I know and the One I know. Forgive me Lord, and right now I choose the better part that can’t be taken away. Amen

Come to Me and find rest. You are weary and heavy laden because of your choices (Mt. 11:28). You wear yourself out over lesser things. In my presence there is rest and peace that the world cannot comprehend. You know it, and have experienced it many times. I am not standing over you ready to condemn. I am standing before you asking you to come and partake of the living water that gives true satisfaction. There is nothing that can compare. I long to help you find rest for your soul. Taste and see that I am good! (Ps. 34:8). There is nothing that compares to Me, so remember all the benefits of knowing Me (Ps. 103), and come into my presence. You need your time with Me! It will give you strength and wisdom to face each day. Without Me, you can do nothing (Jn. 15:5). Remember that and come freely. Do not come out of guilt or obligation, but out of love and passion—just as Mary did. Sit at my feet and partake of eternal truths that you will need to overcome the problems of life. Sit at my feet and bask in my goodness. Breathe deeply and experience my great love. It will carry you through the day in a state of rest rather than anxiety. That is my desire for you. It is not about doing, it is about being with Me. Come dear child, come.

Soaring Above the Limits

Father, I give you this day. I give you my ears and my eyes, and ask You to help me hear your voice, and to see through your eyes. You know my limitations, but I ask You to work beyond them. Surprise me with little miracles that would never happen if it depended on Me. You have done that so many times over the course of my life, and I love telling people about how You care about even the small details of our lives. What an amazing privilege You have given your children- to have a personal relationship with You! It is remarkable and wonderful. I am so blessed to be your child. Help me share this great blessing with others. I thank  Father, overcome my tendency towards distraction. Help me to shine your light in this dark, dark world. Amen

Come boldly to my throne daughter. Some days you forget that I understand and sympathize with your weaknesses. Do not let them keep you away from me. Come to me in confidence, and you will find mercy and grace to help in your time of need (Heb. 4:15-16). I see your desire, along with your self-condemnation. I am much more gracious than you are. Come—don’t beat yourself up. I see the desire of your heart, and will honor that. Yes, the world is filled with distractions, but if you will come and rest a while in my presence, the distractions will fade away. I do not condemn you for distraction. I am not measuring our relationship in terms of time. You are time-bound and put so many demands on yourself based on that, but I exist outside of time. I look beyond time limits to the heart. I see the desires of your heart, and they mean so much more to me than your self-imposed demands to make your quiet time look a certain way. Coming to me out of obligation does not please my heart as much as spontaneous moments of praise. It blesses me when you praise me throughout your day, when you are obedient to share with the people I put in your path, and when you stop to read a passage of scripture I have laid on your heart. It blesses me when I am never far from your thoughts. It blesses me when you sing praises as you drive down the road, and as you pray for those I put on your heart. It blesses me that you are so grateful to be my child. So many of my children take it for granted. Just know that I am with you in all your time-bound moments, but I am also with you outside of time. Today take on an eternal perspective. Do not fret over the limits of this world, but rejoice that I have overcome them for you. You are my child, and our relationship is eternal. Never let a time limit cause you to forget that. As you wait on Me, you will rise up on wings like an eagle, and you will soar above these earthly limits (Is. 40:31).

Where Passion Flows out of Worship

Lord, I am giving this day to You. Today I choose to reject my own ways and my ability to trip myself up. I choose to walk in step with your Spirit, and choose to listen to your voice above all the others vying for my attention. I will look at people through your eyes, and seek to love them with the love only you can give. I will reject my impatience and wait on You. All my efforts are futile if you aren’t with me. Thank You for being so willing to receive me in spite of my imperfection. It blows my mind that such strength and perfection would choose to dwell with flawed frailty. Change me! Make me more like Jesus, and help me make a difference in this dismal world. Help me shine with your light and amazing love. I don’t want to waste time, but that seems to be my specialty. I am always busy, but am not sure I am always accomplishing anything. Guide me and make me ever sensitive to your leading. I yield! Lead me. Overcome me! I worship You—all mighty, all wise, all worthy and sufficient One! Forgive me for ever looking to anything or anyone beside You for satisfaction. You are truly enough to satisfy my thirsty soul. Thank You for your living water!

Dear one, I see your heart’s desire. All the effort in the world will not help you achieve it, but if your delight yourself in Me, I will give you the desires of your heart. Your desire is a good one, but your problem is that you are seeking it rather than Me. You know it is more important to be than to do, yet you trip yourself up with “to do” lists. If I want you to sit still and do nothing, that will be more worthwhile that all your doing could ever be. You are moving in the right direction when you choose to sit at my feet and worship. Cease striving—be still— know that I am God. Know Me and let Me guide your day. Stop fretting about things the world sees as important. I know your needs, and promise to take care of them if you seek my kingdom first. Keep in step with my Spirit and you will always be exactly where you need to be. You will also accomplish what you need to accomplish. Do not be anxious. Instead come abide in my presence, and find peace that surpasses your understanding. You have passion, but it has made you anxious. Now come to Me. Learn to find that place where passion flows out of worship. There can be no anxious thoughts in my presence, so enter in and rest. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works. Ps. 73:26, 28

See Ps. 37:4, Luke 10:38-42, Mt. 6:33, Gal. 5:25, Phil. 4:6.

Running the Race

Lord, time truly flies. I know that it won’t be long before I am standing in your presence. That is why I cannot grieve long over those who have gone ahead of me. I miss them, but know that they are free from the struggles of this earth and would never want them back here. I will see them in the blink of an eye, and I know that all that counts on this side of eternity are the eternal things—loving You and loving people. Yet, I feel that I am not consistent in anything. Life gets in the way of my best intentions, and though I desire to put You first, the constant demands of life tend to drown out the eternal. I know that much of the problem is just me. Scripture tells me to love You with all of my heart, soul, and strength. That last word hits home as I think about my weak attempts at physical strength training. I may get to the gym once or twice a week, and when I do there’s really no plan. I run back and forth in the water, and use the resistance weights on and off, but there’s no real strategy to achieve my goal. In fact, I don’t even set goals. I see the same problem across the board—from physical exercise, to work, to personal life, to spiritual life. I build no strength, because I lack the self-discipline and consistency needed to build it.

Athletes are consistent. I am consistent with nothing. It takes so little to get me off track. It doesn’t help that my schedule changes from day to day, but that was my choice—a choice that fits my impulsive personality. I hate routine, but it’s quite apparent I need it. Paul often compared the Christian life to competing in an athletic competition. “Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore, I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified” (1 Cor. 9:25-27). Every day of my life feels like an exercise in futility—like beating the air. I call it spinning my wheels. Lord, please help me overcome myself! Help me run with endurance the race set before me, and help me to see the goal! Actually, Hebrews 12:2 tells me I should run it by keeping my eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of my faith. I must look at his example of endurance, and his determination to finish the work the Father sent him to accomplish. Make me resolute Lord. Strengthen me in this weakness of mine, and teach me how to overcome my inconsistent nature. I surrender it to You now. I am desperate for your help! Amen

My child, you did get some athletic training when you were growing up. Remember how you couldn’t wait for baseball season? You practiced every chance you could, because you loved it. The same was true of tennis. Yes, it required self-discipline, but it was born out of a love for the games. Keep that in mind, or you will quickly become legalistic. Everything you do must be born out of love. You must run towards Me, and I will give you the strength you need. I did not make you a “type A” personality, and I intend to use you with the gifts and strengths I have given you. Yes, you must “press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God,” but in order to do that you must have Me in your sights. You need only make yourself available to Me consistently. I do not ask for more than that. Do not turn this into a list of requirements, or you will fail very quickly. Run the race because you love Me, and because you love people. Set your goals with that love in mind. Even your physical exercise should be born out of love for Me, and a desire to honor Me in all you do. Make the time and I will do the rest. This means you cannot give in to every demand life throws your way. You must make choices, but that is easy when your priorities are correct. The real battle is choosing what is most important. Put Me first, and everything else will fall in place. I will bring order as you run towards Me. 

Beyond the Sound & Fury

Lord, I am a master at wasting time! The older I get the more I realize how easy it is to let life just slip by, and the older I get the faster it seems to go. All I can think of is that line from Macbeth:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage. And then is heard no more. It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

 That reminds me of Ecclesiastes—life can be so meaningless, and futile. Yet, You have put us on Earth for a reason. The problem is that most of us live for ourselves rather than for You. It is so easy to wake up, rush through my quiet time, and then spend the day pursuing my own agenda. It is so hard to find the proper balance. I know I need to re-read Practicing His Presence again, and I think it’s time to do a little reading on time management—perhaps revisit “Tyranny of the Urgent.” Even though I imagine that the things I am doing are important, at the end of the day there is often very little fruit. I feel like one of those talking heads on TV—spitting out words, but accomplishing nothing. Please help me order my days. One of my favorite passages is Psalm 31:14 “My times are in your hand…” In an overall sense that is true, and it is also true that You are faithful to complete what You started in me (Ph. 1:6). However, I have been given free will to choose your way or mine everyday, and too often I choose my own way. Please forgive me. Help me! I feel so overwhelmed sometimes—like everything is meaningless. Only You can redeem my time, and give meaning to life. I so appreciate the moments when You slip in and amaze me with your goodness in spite of me. I ask You to do that today. Once again I willingly yield to You, for You are Life itself. Help me live in your abundance today.

 Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted in your life my child (Ps. 46:10). The key to victory is love—first for Me and then for others. Return to your first love, and let your life flow out of that. Even if you manage to do many good things in a day, without love they are meaningless (1 Cor. 13:1-3). Once again it will come down to spending time in worship. In my presence your heart will be changed and renewed. It is not enough to check Bible reading and prayer off on a checklist. It is not enough to study Scripture, even for hours on end. What counts is faith working through love (Gal. 5:6), and you cannot operate in love until you have been in my presence. Come dear child, let Me hold you. Let me quiet you with my love, and rejoice over you with singing (Zep. 3:17). Remember those quiet times with your babies? You sang to them and held them. You were in no hurry to run to the next thing—you simply rejoiced over them. You are my child, and I rejoice over you. Join in my song today. Worship my child. In my presence there is fullness of joy, and meaning that overcomes the futility that comes so naturally.  

Lord, How do You Put Up with Me!?

Okay, Lord I hear You, and I SO desire to obey You! My life gets busy and I disappoint myself (and You) over and over again, but as I heard in class yesterday if something is a priority we will MAKE time for it. There have been days when I preferred sleep and days when the concerns of the day took the front seat while You were pushed to the back. Please forgive me! The great passion I have to serve You is diluted at best until it is matched with discipline to accomplish the desires attached that passion. I need You to rescue me from myself, and to help me order my life better. Part of this weakness is just my natural personality bent, and there are others who naturally tend towards self-discipline, but people like that usually tend to be weak when it comes to passion. So I am grateful for what You have given me, for what You have done in spite of me, and Your ability to perfect Your strength in my weakness. Father, remind me each day, don’t let me rush out without spending time in Your presence. I know I You are with me as I go, and I know I am praying as I go, but it is not as intentional as it needs to be. I need to make You the top priority and not just the Helper as I move forward in my own agenda. I need You to be the director and orchestrator of each and every day. Move in my life and help me to tap into the riches of Your Spirit as I yield my life completely to You. Amen

His Response:

Dear Child, I stand ready to help you and to give You strength. Don’t make this difficult, but understand how easily it is accomplished when You set your affections on Me. Remember your first love. You couldn’t wait to spend time together; you made time, even in the midst of the busiest days—sometimes even at the expense of your schedule. The things you put in “the front seat” are not usually all that important, and they certainly can wait an hour or so. Push them to the back seat, and let me do the driving. I do not merely desire to ride along as you direct the schedule and spin your wheels aimlessly. I desire to choose the direction of the day, and to lead you as you go. Learn to stop and listen for my direction. I will speak if you stop. Your constant state of urgency is so unnecessary. The things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal! Remember that, and prioritize the unseen over the seen. Recognize your desperate need for My leading. If you would just see your desperation, you would not be so quick to move on without my leading. Your impetuous nature is really an impatient nature. You don’t want to wait before Me, because it takes time, and you imagine that your agenda is more important. It is not. Wouldn’t it be nice to move through your day accompanied by my perfect peace rather than the adrenaline knot that stays in your stomach half the time? Wouldn’t it be easier to relinquish control to One who can handle it so much better than you can? Why do you strive so when I am so willing to carry you through? As you learn to rest in me, you will accomplish so much more—first of all for the Kingdom, but also in your personal life and business. Let me show you. I am willing. Are you?